Happy Christmas

Haven’t been sleeping very well for a while, but last night actually slept most of the night. I’d been playing all evening with my new car racing set I got for Christmas, a British Scalextric one no less. A friend came around and we had a Christmas beer (didn’t know there was any such thing) while we raced cars and watched the Eagles live in Melbourne DVD. Then, Tommy Emmanuel live. Bliss. When bedtime came I was exhausted and crashed. Woke up at 9.20am hurrah! I was working a late shift to cover an evening event. I hoped to get something done in the morning, but we had a lot of snow in the night. I had to dig my driveway out before going to work.
I noticed last night that when I was racing I had very negative feelings. I gave my friend the fastest car, out of courtesy and he often beat me. However, the voices were telling me that I was no good at anything and I couldn’t even win a slot car race. How strange that these things are so ingrained in me. I didn’t allow this to become a trigger. My friend offered to change cars later on, and when we did I beat the pants off him. I of course realized that the other car was so much faster than the other and had a shorter wheelbase and cornered better.
My dreams have been strange for several nights. I’ve been doing something very embarrassing in public but have been unable to stop myself, like going to the toilet. It’s always something shameful. The second theme is hopelessness or powerlessness. There’s something I don’t do well I should be able to do, but I always fail miserably. Seems to be a theme.
I’m looking forward to my intensive therapy in January, hoping to give the false Jesus the order of the boot. He bothers me a lot of the time and mocks me constantly. Your days are numbered, scumbag.
I’m also enjoying moving into the 21st century. I was given lots of gift cards for Christmas and was able to get an iPod by putting a few dollars in myself. I’m thrilled by the iPod and have just scratched the surface of it, but it’s wonderful to be able to take worship music with me as I work and get fed that way. Those who don’t know, check out Paul Wilbur’s CDs. Astounding.

Latest Stuff

What a ride recently. I started going to a play therapy group, started by one of the ladies I know with young parts, I was standoffish at first, but soon got into it and started playing. Some disturbing memories came up in the art project that I was able to deal with. Then we had great fun playing balloon football from sofa to sofa. I’ve now realized that I have unresolved parts who need to play, and once I admitted that I got a lot of freedom.
I was also excited how things are working out for my one week’s intensive prayer/therapy in Michigan. I have been given $2,400 so far which should cover the cost. Thank You Jesus.
A couple of weeks ago I bought myself a Scalextric car racing set for Christmas, which Mrs E has wrapped and will give me. Hoohah. Looks like I’ll be racing around the family room this Christmas in a Lancia rally car. I also bought myself a model airplane, a balsa one I remembered from childhood. I feel that some parts resent missing a happy childhood. I’m careful where I let this happen, but I’ve been happy to let these parts come out to play and enjoy themselves.
Once a week now I try and go for breakfast with a friend from the group who is a lot further down the road than I am and this is very helpful.
Christmas brings up many memories, some good some bad, and is a kind of bittersweet time for me. I also think of my siblings (I’m the oldest) and how they are doing. Do their memories come up by themselves? Are they in denial? Do they know where to turn to for help? Of course I can’t say anything to them in case they don’t remember, or some of my memories aren’t accurate and I say something I shouldn’t. How sad that the darkness stays around. Just what the abusers wanted, who can blame them?

The Stuff

Still feeling pretty bouncy overall, the happy pills seem to be working. Had a good chat to all three of my children on the phone this weekend and that was nice. I was also blessed last Wednesday when I had a colonoscopy believe it or not. They found a polyp a couple of months ago in a routine exam and it was pre-cancerous, so I had to have the full hit and check the whole intestine. The doctor said I was healthy through the whole colon, which was a blessing. They said having found the pre cancerous polyp, there was a one in three chance they'd find more stuff, but I was clear. Thank you Yeshua.

It was Thanksgiving last Thursday and I made the usual pilgrimage to Mrs E's family, the day was lightened by watching Christmas with the Kranks, and a lively conversation with Mrs E's nephew, who's home from the Marines. It was good to get first hand account opf what's really going on in Iraq and Washington DC. Looking forward to Christmas, Mrs E the super shopper has already bought my gift, and me being the typical man, haven't even started looking yet.

See ya soon.

Weak-end

The weekend is here, or the weak-end? I've decided to go to Michigan for some intense prayer/therapy, early next year. I decided last night after Mrs E and I talked for some time and I was able to be honest about the way I really felt. This is easier said than done, as I am always afraid of being honest. If anyone really knew the way I was thinking I often wonder what they would do. If my boss tells me off I feel hated, if someone drives in front of me I imagine roasting them alive slowly on a spit. I imagine going round with a machine gun and getting vengance on some people, etc. etc. I am also interested what mechanism stops me from actually doing this. I have learned that what my mind says and what I actually do or say are mostly completely different. Sometimes I'm aware of not being in control, there's someone else in the driving seat and I'm a weird spectator looking from the back of my head. Occasionally though I am aware of a link between the mind and what I'm actually doing, and that feels really strange, but good. How odd it must be to be like that all the time, well er, normal.

Progressive Mind

Progressing on my happy pills, I've been on them for a few weeks now. Apart from not sleeping very well, I've been feeling better. No black moods, no instant upsets when someone (often Mrs E) says something completely innocent that I am sure proves she hates me. I was even at my shrink's and he couldn't get me to feel upset. He's expert at that, so this was quite an achievement. The head doctor has changed my meds as my insurance won't pay for the first one he tried, but now I am to start taking some stuff especially for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. What will they think of next? I've had a couple of times with my good friend M recently, who has had a similar difficult background to me. He got a great healing the other week at a conference in a local church. I am really jealous. He did invite me to go but I was busy at home putting in a new back door so I didn't go. He brought me the DVD and the message was right on for me, shame I wasn't there. Oh well. It's amazing what God can do. Some things seem to come slowly, through our own perseverance and spiritual attack on the forces of darkness, and some come from grace. If only I could always tell which was which and at what time.

Still dozing, still dreaming

I've actually slept the past two nights, rather than being awake most of the time. I even found it hard to wake up in the morning, instead of lying there for hours, watching the clock slowly crawling round towards 6-15am. My dreams have been happier though for a while, it is amazing what a difference medication makes. I was reading in a book recently that young age trauma can change brain chemistry so that we can't cope with life as easily, and this has been true for me. I am thinking more clearly, though I still feel anxiety most days, I don't fall into the black hole of despair like I did. Some things I've done recently had been on my "impossible" list for years, and I was able to do them. Hurrah. I was able to go to our local canoe area wilderness, paddle a canoe and not drown, avoid the bears, and catch fish to eat. I was able to keep up with my friend an paddling and not wimp out. I was also able to perform two songs before an influential audience and carry it off, despite being nervous. Paradoxically, even though I thought I had been doing well on phone calls, recently many have been a disaster, I was so triggered for no obvious reason I could hardly get any words out. Oh well, who knows the answer to all these things? Only God Himself. If He doesn't show me that's fine with me. As I said to the head doctor recently, I'm quite functional, even with my paralysing fear episodes.

Long Time no See

Such a long break from writing, such a lot gone on, and much trauma. I had been feeling really bad for weeks and at one point reached a place where I thought I might hurt myself. At Mrs E's urging and I hope God's prompting I went to see a doctor from our local practice. The staff are all Christians and very nice. He was very gracious to me and gave me some medication to help my black moods, not before I had cried for a while. I was there about an hour and a quarter in total. He warned me that the pills are only trial and error, in that they may well dimish the effects of medicine I already take and this has been the case. Even worse, my many aches and ailments all started when my childhood abuse memories started leaking out and I'm convinced it's all linked. I have TMJ, spasms in my jaw muscle, which causes toothache like pain all over my face and head, an ulcer/excess acid in my stomach and loud ringing in my ears. All this is now suddenly worse I suppose due to my new pills. Until I see the doctor next week I'll have to suffer. I'm also considering going to see specialist minister for an extended time of ministry lasting several days to try and break through my present emotional log jam and blcak moods.

Long Time no Speak

Well, a long hiatus in my journal, mainly caused by busyness and despair, in equal measures. It’s been over a month now, shame on me. I was feeling pretty good for a while, even though I suspected I would get bitten in the butt quite soon, which is what happened. Some chance remarks by some people sent me into a doomed spiral. Combined with what I thought had been a good prayer session that ended badly (I was walking out the door of the doctor’s office when the demons told me I’d been fooled and started abusing me) it was a potent mix, leading to hopeless despair.
The weather here has been disgusting, 80 mph winds last week, several inches of rain etc, and many people without power, even 5 days after the storm. That is a picture to me of life at times, the sun can be shining and minutes later there’s wind, rain, thunder, lightning, and tornadoes.
It has just been my birthday, 53 no less, and it was very protracted. We had to drive 400 miles for a family funeral that was actually on the birthday, then celebrate one week later, some people couldn’t make that date, so I’ve had gifts arriving every few days. Of course it’s not bad getting gifts, but the whole process seemed drawn out and sometimes joy-less.
Anyway, my mental state has been the usual confusion, seeing people who aren’t there, seeing people different from what they are, mood swings, fear, the full hit. Add to that I had a flex sig exam last week and they found a polyp in my bowel, I can hardly wait for the results of the biopsy.
I still feel the voice of God though, at a meeting on Saturday I felt He was saying I would be a preacher, as I listened to the speaker. I was thinking, “Well if I could think straight and there was a direct link between brain and mouth, I would be able to do what he’s doing,” kind of thought. Soon after though I was severely attacked in many areas. It’s either a stronghold, or not meant to be?
I know I need to be more aggressive in spiritual warfare, but I often start from feeling defeated, instead of being on the winning side. I need to keep looking down, not up. People often say we should look up, but the book of Ephesians says we are in the heavenlies with Jesus, so the only way to look is across at Him, or downwards.
I am also aware that I can go to do something I’ve known how to do for years and then have no idea how to do it, but at the same time feeling a lot of my defenses are old habits, and I don’t have to do them. I also believe I will be free and maybe this is the last stand by a dying enemy.

Let’s hope so.

Long time no see

Sorry for the patchy entries these last months. It’s summer here, and life gets very hectic. Weekends away, family gatherings, house chores, fishing, guitar playing, conferences, and the like all take their toll of one’s time. Perhaps the biggest time waster on the planet is of course television, which I watch less and less, despite having a super dooper high definition model. No matter how good the picture is, most of the shows are total crap. Sadly, there is little to watch on US TV, which isn’t known to be the world’s worst for nothing. It took me while to realize it, but I soon caught on to the fact that, apart from a few public broadcasting channels that provide the only island of sanity in an ocean on craziness, TV here is just a means to advertise. The content of the programs is way down the list of priorities. Even the news isn’t news, it’s a vehicle to sell advertising, just entertainment for the masses. If you subtract all the commercial time and self promotion video clips showing smiley faces of the latest news people, I bet there isn’t more than 20 minutes per hour of news. Subtract the fact that they repeat everything every half hour and I’d be surprised if there’s actually more than ten minutes of actual news in an hour in the morning. World events, in the local news (about 75%) of the output, are blissfully ignored, the weather is most times about the most important thing shown. Even bad news is hidden. The city where I live has experienced about 35 murders so far this year and most of them don’t even make the broadcast. Good grief.

I’m experiencing a spiritual renaissance at the moment, after being involved with Messianic Jews in different groups and the area. I think I’ll call myself a Jew in future. I’m really envious of their abandoned worship and fervor for God, and to be honest, their dancing. It was such a thrill to be at a conference a couple of weeks ago, I may have mentioned it already in my last blurb; I’m writing this on Word without looking at the Blog. Anyway, at the conference, which I thought was just about the latest prayer and healing information on people “like me” was actually run by Messianic believers and we did dance every afternoon for a couple of hours. What a thrill! I was really able to worship the Lord in new way. I now have some great CD’s, DVD’s and the like to carry on dancing. I realize more and more the Jewish trunk of the faith, and how we are just a wild olive branch grafted in.

But, the main thing I learned at the conference was keeping my brain synchronized so I can be myself in all circumstances (that seems pretty far off at the moment). I’m working on this just about all the day…….watch this space.

Sorry about the break

Back from various trips, it must be summer. Summer here in the Midwest means cramming 12 months activities into 3 months of hot weather. There are two seasons here, winter and road construction. Road construction begins when the thaw sets in and ends when everything freezes. The highlight of the summer is the State Fair in St Paul. Here you can buy most things on a stick (Homer Simpson would love it). I ate my biggest ever turkey leg here, it was as big as a small chicken.
Anyway, the weather has been so hot it hasn't been funny, over 90 degrees F for weeks, with high humididty, which is the real killer. Add that to severe thunderstorms of Biblical proportions, up to 3 inches of rain an hour, power outages dur to fried lines (300,000 households out for two days after one storm), trees down, flooding, bear attacks, golf ball sized hailstones, wall to wall mosquitoes, forest fires- it's been a quiest summer, we normally have tornadoes as well.
I was happy to go to a conference in Michigan last week, where I mixed with fellow sojourners on the journey to wholeness, and a wide variety of therapists, doctors, and prayer counsellors. We had a great time and I was sad to come home ans back to work. I do feel renewed in my mind, so i'm quite excited. I worked on some interesting exercises to activate all parts of the brain, which is a new experience for me. I hope it's a lasting change.

Back from vacation

Back from vacation, what a time. Close encounter with a Grizzly bear (he walked over a road behind us as we stood outside our vehicle. Saw a large Elk, lots of eagles, mountain goats and more. The Rocky mountains are so beautiful, we went through Montana and up to Banff and all around that area. I was of course thinking about God most of the time, the Bible says He can be seen in His creation. How beautiful and majestic everything is, just a small taste of Him and the better things to come.
My system was in fear most of the time, it seemed unsettled and protecting me. Foolishly I was upset at some parts who were out front, but that’s a bad thing to do, it’s all about protecting me after all, and I should be grateful. I am most of the time I think.

Someone also told me that many Viet Nam war vets and other men live in the mountains near Glacier Park, being unable to cope with everyday life. That seemed really attractive at the time, but I was just trying to escape everything.

Vacation fever

Getting excited now about going to Montana, and hoping to visit Glacier park, as well as Jasper in Canada. Had a hard time recently, feeling on the point of running away from life screaming, only to come out of it a couple of weeks later. Had a great time last weekend in Wisconsin at a family barn party. I was given a spot and sang some songs and that’s good therapy, except the voices always tell me I’m singing out of tune etc. If I sing without a mic I’m fine, but for some reason the mic and amps terrify me. Just another trigger to go with the other 10 million.

Summer has turned up

The sunshine is finally here after several weeks of British weather, cold wet and windy. Not sure what’s going on with the system, some good days, some bad. This week I was spending time with a friend and fellow journeyman who is finding things difficult after 5 years of struggle. He was a successful businessman, but his stuff got so bad he walked away from his business, and now works on a smaller scale from home. Even this is hard for him sometimes and he declined some work recently from one of his long standing customers. It’s funny how we both live in shrinking worlds. When we look back and see how adventurous we were and how we live now we cringe. Such is the nature of the beast. Next week Mrs E and I are driving a long distance cross country to visit some friends in Montana. We hope to go to Glacier park and Banff in Canada during the week so that will be nice. On the home front I haven’t been sleeping well for some time and yesterday I felt like I was going to fall asleep as I walked round…… aaargh. Had a very early night though last night and feel better today. Another bright spot on the horizon is the Thrive conference in Michigan last week of July. Hopefully I’ll improve after that, hearing their take on my problems, rather than only Theophostic as I do now. It’ll be good to get a different perspective.

Keep going

Last session was amazing, seeing a picture of my heart emraced by Jesus, and the core of me actually coming out and seeing the Light. Day to day it's not been too bad, Mrs E is very understanding and supportive. One great evening we met with another couple, he's blessed like me and we had a great talk about inner feelings and stuff and that was very helpful. The summer seems to have arrived finally here in the frozen tundra, but yesterday we had a great thunderstorm in the early hours, with 70 mph winds. Two neighbours lost trees, one huge one was lifted out of the ground and deposited on the roof of the house, what a sight. That and the fact we can't park in our driveways because of the road works means our cars are vulnerable. Oh well.

European time off needed

Another mixed week, some up, some down. No therapy for a few weeks because of appointment fill-ups but I’m in next week. Mrs E’s birthday today so we are going out to eat tonight. Last night was my men’s purity group, where I was really triggered by some attitudes. One man was lecturing a younger man on how to keep his wife at arm’s bay when he’s choosing which clothes to wear. This was sad because the man doing the lecturing is in crisis in his marriage and I didn’t think he was in any position to tell anyone that kind of thing. Also I was so fed up this morning I seriously nearly walked out from my job – so did my assistant, so maybe I wasn’t so abnormally triggered? There is a wedding scheduled on Saturday, and we had to set up hundreds of chairs, and dozens of tables on Thursday to make sure we had them all done for the decorators to come in first thing Friday morning. The snag was the men were holding a breakfast in the same room early Friday morning. Solution? The men just use some tables and chairs from the wedding set-up. What happened? When I came in this morning (Friday) the men had rearranged a large part of the room for their breakfast meeting, and left tables and chairs stacked at the side of the room. I knew it would be at least an hour’s work to reset everything. I was just at the point of walking out, but instead I went out and mowed the grass, hoping to calm down. My wonderful assistant put the chairs and tables back as the decorators were arriving. I feel I may look for another job. What keeps me here? The pay isn’t super but we manage. The insurance cover is good. The vacation is crap, but next year, after 5 years service, I go the 3 weeks (wow). I can hardly wait. If I started another job I would probably go the standard vacation package of 1 week – brutal. This is one time I wish some European practices would apply here, including decent time off. One thing keeps me here, it's a "God job." He got me the job and keeps me here. There ain't no safer place to be brother.

Rainy day dream away

I was praying the other night before sleep and thinking about the sad ‘old’ part with all my pain and emotion. I was asking that the emotion could come out somehow. In the night I had a vivid dream that I was weeping everything out. I woke up and I was still weeping. It felt cathartic and good. I hope that this is a true picture. How wonderful it would be to be able to find all the pain and release it. Had a turgid time yesterday when I tried to make a few ‘cold’ phone calls, I definitely switch or something and just feel in a total panic, and can’t speak, often for several seconds. Then, there is a job in work I’m supposed to do which is technically almost impossible. There are light fittings we need to repair, and many of them are over a balcony, so you can’t use the standard telescoping platform to reach them. The powers that be wouldn’t pay someone else to come in and do it, so it’s little ol’ me of course. I’m getting too old to be swinging round on platforms 40 feet high like an orangutan, or in my case a senile gorilla, and it seems so dangerous, my system is revolting. Part of me was thinking of looking for another job (again). Such is my super strong escape mode. Sometimes I go to bed early and try and sleep, there is someone young and crushed who needs comfort. I’m still looking forward to the conference in August at Thrive, where I hope to learn some new techniques to try and get more healing.
I was reading a book review today, and the author was lamenting how many Christians have problems. He was asking why we don’t just believe and embrace what Jesus did on the cross, and live happily ever after. I really wish I could do that. In my conscious mind I’ve done it many times, it’s my subconscious that trips me up, if only I could fix that I’d be fine. Perhaps he’s right, if I really believed what God says in live it, I would be fine. God will be my judge over how well I’ve done.

Going on

Still pressing on.......had a strange session this week, when I could see an abuse scenario, but with another person standing at the side watching. This person was an old looking man, a bit like Gandalf. He was watching what was going on and was taking all the pain and emotion and keeping it to himself. He wouldn't speak or anything, and wouldn't take part in any discussion. It would be nice if he held all the emotion that has so eluded me these years. How wonderful it would be if I could feel all that pain instead of hiding it somewhere. Even though I hide it, it still comes out on its own when I don't want it to. When I want to go there and try and deal with stuff, I can't find it. I hope and pray that eventually I will get through this.

Amazing session

This session, I was straight back into some pretty sick abuse memories, where I was being choked. After Jesus came into the memories and intervened, He took me to a beautiful field of flowers, and walked with me through he field. He told me I would soon be well and would be able to stay in the meadow of flowers with Him. This was amazing enough, but the other thing was that I could vividly smell the flowers. I had to stop the session a few times and sniff around the room, looking for the smell. The smell was strong, but not overpowering. It was unlike any other flower smell I’ve ever smelled, just beautiful…. The smell stayed with me for some time, and the blessing even longer.

Keep Going

Another day, last few days I’ve been wondering who was in the driving seat. I could hear the voice talking from my head but it didn’t sound like me. I wonder who it was. As the parts are there to protect me, I must have felt under threat in some way. Why? Who knows, or even cares? I was helping someone the other day in a session, and they showed an angry alter personality, I wasn’t sure if it was a demon or an alter. Their life is a bit of a mess and they’re much younger than me. I am sure I’ve been through much more trauma than them but I’ve functioned for 50 years or so. I’m convinced that’s what is important for me right now, the be able to function. At least I can hold down a job. If my superiors found out the truth about me, would they fire me? I wouldn’t be surprised. I am a little afraid of an alter coming out and either doing something crazy, or saying something awful and getting me fired. Some people here were saying the other day how awful I was sounding, but that was in the middle of a time when the real ‘I’ wasn’t in the driving seat. Well, the Lord knows and I know He’ll protect me. I’m so grateful for the job and all it brings me. The truth though is that the Lord is my only hope and supplier, He has allowed me to keep the job He has given me for the moment. I’m making the most of it. I lost count of the number of times when I was a police officer I met with people whose lives had just been irrevocably changed by something out of their control. That’s the way I feel most of the time.

Back to Work

Weekend’s over and back to the inevitable work. Busy weekend, bought the tiles for the bathroom I’m renovating, even though we bought cheap tiles….$650….gasp shock. We took over 3 hours to decide, and find all we wanted, rummaging through all the shelves of the Home Depot. Felt really triggered by so many decisions just to tile a small bathroom. Such is life. We’ve booked into a conference called Thrive that’s the first week in August, especially for people like me, DID, abused etc. I’m quite excited to get a full week of therapy type stuff. The conference is in a hotel so I hope the amenities are nice.
I haven’t been sleeping very well for some time, it wears me down and sometimes I feel despondent early in the morning. I’m not sure if it’s part of me that’s restless and waking me, or some demonic scum thing. I can’t function very well on 4 to 5 hours sleep a night, and tend to collapse at the weekends, which is not good as I have my projects to do in the house and enjoy time together with my beloved Mrs E. Sometimes I wonder if my journey will ever end, it often feels like you’re making good progress, only to crash and burn very easily. Good job I have God on my side, therefore everyone who has tried to harm me is a loser. It’s in the Bible. Raaaah.

Days of Confusion

Several days of confusion really. Got mixed up over what day it is a few times, haven’t been sleeping. Easily slipping into discouragement and self loathing. Was praying for someone last night who got a lot of healing but couldn’t help feeling I had worse problems than him and was taking mine home. Also feeling paralyzed in talking about my feelings to Mrs E, which is even worse. The usual thing happens, I withdraw but I don’t mean it. I hope I don’t hurt her too much. I’m always amazed she loves me so much. Part of me thinks that if she had any sense she’d be off, but she’s a sticker, God bless her. I don’t know what I’d do, or where I’d be without her. Some other friends are also important, the ones in our help group. We meet again on Sunday afternoon and that will be good. I’ve also noticed some symptoms returning, people looking smaller or bigger then they really are. My speech is cluttered and tumbled as well. Well, one day it will all be over.

La Weekend

Well, the weekend approacheth again. I'll be back to the bathroom project, and life goes on. We heard a close family member may have cancer yesterday and Mrs E was (understandably) very upset. Life is like that, isn't it? One phone call, doctor's visit or the like can change life forever. I remember my first marriage, I was in bed one morning and the phone rang early, it was my best friend's wife telling me my wife and her husband were romantically involved. Of course the situation was there a while, I just didn't know about it. Life changes immediately and can't be reversed. Such is the life of the likes of me very often. Some new abuse memory comes up, or some new feeling. Or perhaps an old one you thought you'd dealt with comes back when you wish it woudn't. I'm feeling quite optomistic at the moment, even though I had a few nosedives last weekend. I realised that some parts of me want to withdraw, but don't really mean it, and get really hurt when my doing that hurts Mrs E. They are all screaming "We didn't mean it!" I did try and explain this to Mrs E and we had a really good talk, and felt bonded afterwards. How true it is that anything that seems "bad" in our lives can be used for good.

Days go on

Again, a weekend of some triggers, I really wish I could rise above these things and live a victorious life. Satan is always lurking at the door for me, feeding lies and deceit and death. Had a great time on Friday evening at the Messianic Fellowship, and was prayed for POW!!! Went down like a sack of potatoes; first time that’s happened for years. Was quite down though over the weekend, just wish that there’d be a health breakthrough for both me and Mrs E, who suffers terribly. Nice to be prayed for though, several people have prayed for us this weekend and that feels good. Still believing that lies will be displaced and truth restored. “He restores my soul.”

Doing Well

A lull of a few days since my last post. Things haven’t been too bad, all things considered. The weather has been warmer and my spirits are higher. Last Friday I was helping to lead worship at a Messianic fellowship and lifted the roof off. People in the congregation said they could hear angels singing with us. What a privilege to be there and partake. I went out for prayer after the service and felt a real touch from the Lord. Sometimes my mind isn’t clear and I don’t know where something is coming from; is it a demon, a part of my mind, or alter personality, or am I just being spiritually oppressed? I wish I knew. I often feel confused and helpless, which is of course exactly where satan wants me to be. I’ve seen myself a lot recently waging war on many demons, slashing them to pieces with a large double edged sword. This felt really good. I’ve also felt released in worship a lot which is wonderful. Had a session with my therapist yesterday but couldn’t get to any memories or anything. Oh well. Looking forward to 2 nights of special services at the Messianic fellowship. Yippee.

A little better

As I suspected I'm feeling a little better. I got some friends to pray for me and I was fighting through my negative feelings. My wife is such a sweet beautiful thing - far too good for me. It's Easter this weekend and new beginnings, I wish that would happen for me, or am I too messed up to be a member of the human race? No, everyone counts, it's just I don't feel like I do sometimes. Such is my disability. What a great day it will be when I get to heaven. I'm playing at a Messianic Fellowship on Friday and that's always a blast. Baruch adonai. Y'shua rules, now and for evermore.

A right ol' mess

Well, got into a right old mess somehow. Not feeling on top of anything, overwhelmed, sad, hopeless. In spite of God blessing me I feel unloved. This is crazy, but the feelings are so strong. If Mrs E had any sense she’d be out of the door, or more properly, throw me out the door. I’m afraid to commit suicide, (I don’t know if I would go to heaven or hell, or even what I would say to the Almighty), something in me hates what I am doing, but I still do it anyway. I’m afraid to talk to anyone and say how I really feel as it’s so off the wall. Even worse is that I know I’ll feel different in a while and these feelings will pass. I also feel lonely, as I don’t have any real friends here, it’s hard moving countries and starting again in middle age. There’s no-one who I can just drop in at their home and have a deep talk with them, and a cup of coffee. How sad. Anyway, I’ll keep pressing on, doing my job, and trying not to upset Mrs E too much, even though I hate myself deep down for hurting such a wonderful person, who deserves far better than me. How strange life is. One good thing is I lost 4 pound last week on my diet. I haven’t really been trying too hard for a while, and have struggled with feelings that I’m going to die soon. Sometimes I think, “What’s the point of anything”, or I just need comfort food. Whatever happens, I don’t feel in control of my eating. Anyway, must keep pressing on. I went on a walk at lunchtime, and have bought a copy of the New Testament on CD. I was listening to Ephesians and Colossians, and getting blessed. Must do that more often. I used to go every day almost, but the winter here means it’s quite hard, or hardly possible to walk in the country while the snow and ice are deep. Well, quite a ramble today. Hope nobody reads this.

No snow show, well, only a little

Well, the snow didn’t amount to much. Again, the weather forecasters on the TV shows here prove that all they want is ratings, and not the truth. Reminds me of the rest of the media, but again, I digress. Perhaps the funniest take was this morning on the local radio. The two deejays were advertising a concert. One said ,”They’ve sold 20,000 tickets.” His partner protested, saying the venue only holds 6,000 people. “I got the figures from the weather department,” was his snappy reply.
Mrs E and I are still sleeping apart and keeping our distance after her cancer treatment, and will be for a few more days yet. We also have 3 Beagles at home instead of one. Our pet’s natural mother and sister are here to stay. This keeps life amusing and leaves little time for self pity or unhealthy self examination, which is good. This week my picture from the Lord was me in a boat on a huge sea or ocean. Jesus was at the stern, with one of those huge oars that propel as well as steer the vessel. Rescuer was looking out for me in the bow, but quickly came and sat with me, watching Jesus intently. A storm brew up and amazingly, Rescuer calmly sat with me, watching Jesus, instead of intervening. A truly remarkable turnaround. And of course we didn’t sink in the storm, we were fine.
I’m looking forward to a weekend of bathroom construction, and a meeting of our group of fellow travelers on the same road. Not sure what will happen, but the roast turkey dinner sounds good.

Calm before the Storm

Storm's a comin' soon. What a beautiful day, cloudless skies this morning, the sky a deep azure blue that seems so beautiful in the midwest. However, lurking to our west somewhere is a huge storm, that will hit about midnight tonight. It will snow for more than 36 hours they say, with total accumulation of up to 13 inches, 33cm. I was feeling all philosophical (did I spell it right?) about life's storms. How often we feel great, our sky is blue, but lurking just to the west, out of view, is a huge storm that will change our lives completely. Such is life for the likes of me. I was also thinking how disasters bring out the worst in some people and the best in others. I hope and pray that my particular storm brings out the best in me and not the worst, except to be weeded out by the Heavenly Gardener.

Faithless to faithful

Well, an amazing weekend of realizing God’s care and compassion. A few weeks ago I was at a lecture, and bought one of the books the man had written. I asked him to sign it, and he put in a Bible verse, 2 Timothy 2:13, If we are faithless, He remains faithful; He cannot deny Himself. This was very prophetic of the last few weeks, where I’ve certainly felt low on faith, high on fear and uncertainty. Our household has several large bills looming, not least of which is around $6000 to repair our street. It seems that unlike England, the householders here have to pay for the road outside their house. I wonder what would happen if one lived on a 10 lane interstate highway, would you get a bill for $200 million? Anyway, I digress. I have been concerned that there are these bills looming and a distinct lack of financial resources. I have a blue collar job, and as I work in the non profit sector, the wages are lower than other places. Well, Mrs E and I were gobsmacked when a family member gave us a large cash gift, more than enough to pay for our street repair. It also just arrived in time, as the tooth my dentist had warned me about broke up over the weekend, and the crown cost me $850 today. I am so aware of God’s total care at the moment, completely at the other end of the scale from where I’ve been for some weeks. I think it started when I crashed my car a couple of months ago. A lady backed out of her driveway without looking and I slammed into the side of her car. This really shook me up, and in making many phone calls thereafter my speech was often so locked up I couldn’t speak at all and my beautiful angelic wife had to do the talking for me. My system seemed to be totally derailed and rudderless. I have missed a few weeks appointments with Dr T, my therapist and that hasn’t helped. As for my beloved soul mate, I don’t know what I would do without her, it’s our 8th anniversary today and we will celebrate this evening. She has also been through the mill in the past year or so; 2 surgeries for thyroid cancer, and one surgery last week for skin cancer that left a huge wound on her forehead. How does she keep so cheerful? I think my sytem would have a swift, panic board meeting and decide it was time to throw in the towel.
Anyway, I still feel really blessed and that God has a wonderful plan for me, well for all of us, and it will all work out in the end. Better to arrive in heaven in a party, even if it is all parts of your mind, than stand there alone?

Another day

Well, Friday is nearing its end, it's snowing like billyo and we expect 3", 75mm or so. I'm feeling pretty chipper but am unsure who's in the front seat driving at the moment. We have a busy weekend, I will start remodeling my downstairs bathroom this evening and working like a gallley slave tomorrow to do as much as I can. When I started a couple of weekends ago I was in my own little world. I wasn't sure which part was working but I did a good job. Someone was terrified of making a mistake but didn't. Now I have to build a new wall, then plumb in a new sink, waste, and shower. Hey ho.

I am always amazed how I can change so quickly. Some switches are subtle and I go seemlessly from one part to another, but sometimes it's like chalk and cheese. I often wonder which is the "real" me, the affable easy going one, or the terrified, abused child. They both seem to have their place.

Scars

Well, Mrs E now has a large scar on her forehead, the hole was 5cm long and 2.5cm wide. The doctor was able to stretch some skin over the crater and stitch it up. He thinks that the scar won't be too noticeable. As it's on the hairline, she isn't too upset, as she wears her hair down in a fringe anyway.
We still feel threatened though that things will fall apart. We still feel that anything good will be taken away. Last night Mrs E looked us all in the eye and told us she wasn't going to die and that it would be okay, but not many believe her. We always seem to get stuck alone. What will happen to us next time the bad things happen?

Web trauma

Now having trouble posting, due to web something or other. I was also able to set the time properly. Hurrah. A lot calmer now the posting page is working.

Strange how one moment one can feel so churned up and the next, peaceful. I often wonder how different I'll feel in heaven. My life here has previously been ruled by strange irrational emotions that I always thought were normal but now know different. Also what I thought was the truth about my early life I now know to be lies and the things I never thought could be the truth are actually the truth. Truly, life is stranger than fiction. The father I always thought was decent, but a bit distant, is the one that used me for his sexual gratification. My mother, who should hsve prtected me, used me the same way, and didn't protect me from abuse. My uncle D who was always around was one of my tormentors. The kind man who built me model airplanes as a gift only did it to pay me for using me. How strange life is. The only consolation is that great Bible verse when Joseph says, "Don't be afraid....you intended to harm me, but God meant it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." I am sure that what has happened to me will be used to help many others. That's what keeps me going I think, also I get glimpses of the real world occasionally when I feel normal for a short time.

Wait over

Well, 4pm and Mrs E is out of surgery, all the cancer roots taken out. Several stitches on her noggin in reconstructive surgery. Her mom is taking her home, where I'll see her in about an hour. While I was glumly working away the lady I upset earlier came to talk to me about something and sweetly prayed for me. Such is the Christian life; one that by far surpasses anything man ever invented.

Bad day

Mrs E has been in surgery all day so far (3pm) from 7am with skin cancer. The lump is on her forehead near the hairline. The deal is that they cut away what they can see is cancerous, then check the skin underneath for any more cancer. This takes about an hour, then they cut out more and you wait another hour, and so on. So far she's been back four times and there are further "roots" to dig out. The hole is getting bigger, and my wondering is keeping up. As usual, the doctors were very reassuring, but now I'm not so sure. She may well need plastic surgery on the large hole. My main concern is the little one who thinks that anything good will be taken away is in full swing. I feel really split, one part feeling it's a good thing they found the cancer, the other thinking that Mrs E will be taken away, as that's the way it's been with everything else. Anything good is not for me, and will be taken away. So, I let her mom take her to the hospital. I've come to work to try and work through. I'm not sure if I'm escaping or in denial. I wish I hadn't come into work as I did someone a favor and booked a wedding at the end of the year, to incur the wrath of the lady who does the bookings. I had assumed that I was capable of doing this thing myself but was obviously deluded. Well, must wait for the next phone call from my beloved.

Feeling better

Well, feeling better today after a bad couple of days. Got really angry about something at work, then realized later the evening while talking to Mrs E that the anger was still there, and that it was probably a part. Had a good time of prayer before bed, and actually slept through the night for the first time for a long time. No strange dreams or flashbacks. Thank you Y'shua. I'm singing tonight at a meeting at church so I hope that goes well. There's certain optomism when I feel good. When I feel good I really do feel very good, the problem is sometimes I'm not aware if there's a part out when I feel bad. At times it's obvious, I feel like I'm living from the back of my brain, watching what is going on. Someone else is talking and working my personality. At other times it's more subtle, and it's often a long time later when I'm talking about some strong emotion that I can tell there's a part out that I wasn't aware of before. That's what it was like last night. I am also amazed that the second I feel like I'm not in control I revert to a terrified child. That child, or many children, are still in there, trapped in their own little world, full of terror. When they come out they are there to protect me. They take some pain or trauma, or perception thereof, and make sure they take it and not me. They have been doing the same job for over 50 years and I often feel they are tired. Thank the Lord that one day there will be rest for all the weary.

Avoidance

I was thinking a lot over the past few days about avoidance. As I was contemplating the meaning of life between sleep and vomiting, I was thinking about those I never see much in my family. I have a sister and brother. I am often uneasy with my sister, she is loving but very direct, and this sends my whole system into retreat, denial, or avoidance. I want to run away screaming. As we now live in different countries it’s easier not to be in constant contact but upsetting on a personal level not to have a close, happy family. My sister has found a wonderful husband a few years ago and she‘s a lot happier. My brother also lives in another country so I don’t have a lot of contact with him either. He’s had many problems as well in his health and personal life, but has found a super girlfriend. I had a bad feeling about them both when talking to my wife about it over the weekend. Sometimes things like that can turn me into a tailspin very quickly. I get very emotional and feel guilty or dirty about my bad relationships and this isn’t good for me. Of course I know in my rational mind I could be a lot worse, or even dead by now after all the stuff I went through, but here I am still stumbling along. Sometimes I’m in victory and carrying the banner of Y’shua, other times I’m crawling along in a cesspit and trying to keep my head above the mire. Thankfully those days are less and less and the victory days are more and more frequent.

Lost Days

Well, here I am after a few days downtime. Early hours of Thursday morning, there I was stumbling out of bed feeling really nauseous, then blowing chunks every 15 minutes for the next several hours. The Spanish call it Los Muchos Pukos, the Latin name is Vomitus Pukos Maximus. I’m feeling a little better now but not very well. On Saturday I had to drag myself out to church to help in a training day. I did well all day in public speaking, then blew it at the end when I closed the day and couldn’t speak. What a bummer. Later that evening I was in turmoil and couldn’t sleep, with flashbacks in abundance. Sunday I was still in confusion, and didn’t start recovering until late afternoon. I was okay by the evening, but didn’t sleep well last night. Back to work today, not feeling too good but coping. When I got in, some nice person has moved or taken all the DVD players and power point projectors, and we needed two this morning for meetings. A kind member of staff tracked down one for me and for the second I stole the youth dept’s DVD player and wired that up to a TV for the other meeting. O the joys of building management.

my choice for healing

My choice for healing is colored by my beliefs and theology. Many people with DID/MPD go to conventional therapists, psychologists, and the like. The average time to get good healing is apparently 7 years or so. With Christian prayer type healing, much can be achieved in 2 to 3 years. When I first became aware of the extent of my problems I was attending a Christian church that offered prayer for these kind of problems so that was the path I chose. Our church has seen dramatic recovery in people with a range of problems from low self esteem to extreme dissociation. We mainly use Theophostic Prayer which was introduced by Dr Ed Smith. Check out his website www.theophostic.com. This has been seen as controversial by some in the Christian community and is not a pill for every ill. However, we have seen amazing healing of many problems in many people. I am also hoping to attend a conference by Dr Jim Wilder in the summer. His work is in the same area, but with a holistic approach aiming for synchronization of the whole person as well as mental and emotional healing.
http://www.care1.org/
Also check out Dr Tom Hawkins Restoration in Christ ministry.
http://www.rcm-usa.org/

Recent Session

Well, just wanted to share about my last session with my therapist. The path I’ve chosen for therapy is prayer, as it fits in with my Christianity. As God made us, surely He can fix us?
One of the parts of my mind that often interferes is called Rescuer. As his name implies, he thinks it’s his job to rescue me any time I start probing into any difficult memories or experiences. Last session, I was pressing on into some yucky stuff, and Rescuer appeared to take me, as a little boy, away from the trauma I was looking at. Amazingly, this time, he talked to Jesus and had quite a long conversation with Him. Even more amazingly, after intervening in countless sessions, Rescuer came out of the darkness where he lives, and came into the light where Jesus was standing, with many other little ones. He came into the group of little ones, who enthusiastically welcomed him. Rescuer seemed overcome, and fell to his knees, put down his sword and shield, and cried, “Jesus is Lord” over and over again. A truly epic moment after over two years of Rescuer doing his job and taking me away. He was just doing his job, but of course it was hard for me to resolve some things as he wouldn’t let me go there.

Last night's dreams

A recurring theme of my dreams is being trapped, but last night I was trapped and held captive and the guard came in, and I beat the living daylights out of him, and killed him. Other times, I've been trapped and couldn't escape. What a blessing, I hope this is a symbol of my progress.

The weekend

Well, this weekend I was at a group of similar people blessed with several personalities and their spouses. we are eventually getting around to seeing that community is a major part of recovery. We are forming our own small community of about 12 of us. This is exciting and frightening at the same time. Some of us were more open than others. It is difficult to be vulnerable and open with stuff so scary. How can you explain that when someone asks you a question the you feel nervous about that you switch and can't speak? Or the terror of public speaking when you want to die, or the feeling that what you think is not related to what comes out of your mouth, but goes through a committee first, often taking several seconds. Why are the words that come out of my mouth not related often to what I want to say? Is it some defence mechanism, or is it fear and avoidance? God only knows, and I jope He lets me or my therapist into the loop. I also demolished part of my downstairs bathroom. This seemed traumatic as I was afraid of making a mistake. I felt fairly paralysed but managed okay. Oh well, another weekend over, now back to work. My biggest fear of course is being found out for what I really am and fired.

Starter

Well, here I am at last having the courage to come out of the closet and admit I am a working adult with Multiple Personality Disorder. This is also called Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) or some similar spelling. I hope to journal my life for a while to help myself and hopefully to help others.