Well, got into a right old mess somehow. Not feeling on top of anything, overwhelmed, sad, hopeless. In spite of God blessing me I feel unloved. This is crazy, but the feelings are so strong. If Mrs E had any sense she’d be out of the door, or more properly, throw me out the door. I’m afraid to commit suicide, (I don’t know if I would go to heaven or hell, or even what I would say to the Almighty), something in me hates what I am doing, but I still do it anyway. I’m afraid to talk to anyone and say how I really feel as it’s so off the wall. Even worse is that I know I’ll feel different in a while and these feelings will pass. I also feel lonely, as I don’t have any real friends here, it’s hard moving countries and starting again in middle age. There’s no-one who I can just drop in at their home and have a deep talk with them, and a cup of coffee. How sad. Anyway, I’ll keep pressing on, doing my job, and trying not to upset Mrs E too much, even though I hate myself deep down for hurting such a wonderful person, who deserves far better than me. How strange life is. One good thing is I lost 4 pound last week on my diet. I haven’t really been trying too hard for a while, and have struggled with feelings that I’m going to die soon. Sometimes I think, “What’s the point of anything”, or I just need comfort food. Whatever happens, I don’t feel in control of my eating. Anyway, must keep pressing on. I went on a walk at lunchtime, and have bought a copy of the New Testament on CD. I was listening to Ephesians and Colossians, and getting blessed. Must do that more often. I used to go every day almost, but the winter here means it’s quite hard, or hardly possible to walk in the country while the snow and ice are deep. Well, quite a ramble today. Hope nobody reads this.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment