Avoidance

I was thinking a lot over the past few days about avoidance. As I was contemplating the meaning of life between sleep and vomiting, I was thinking about those I never see much in my family. I have a sister and brother. I am often uneasy with my sister, she is loving but very direct, and this sends my whole system into retreat, denial, or avoidance. I want to run away screaming. As we now live in different countries it’s easier not to be in constant contact but upsetting on a personal level not to have a close, happy family. My sister has found a wonderful husband a few years ago and she‘s a lot happier. My brother also lives in another country so I don’t have a lot of contact with him either. He’s had many problems as well in his health and personal life, but has found a super girlfriend. I had a bad feeling about them both when talking to my wife about it over the weekend. Sometimes things like that can turn me into a tailspin very quickly. I get very emotional and feel guilty or dirty about my bad relationships and this isn’t good for me. Of course I know in my rational mind I could be a lot worse, or even dead by now after all the stuff I went through, but here I am still stumbling along. Sometimes I’m in victory and carrying the banner of Y’shua, other times I’m crawling along in a cesspit and trying to keep my head above the mire. Thankfully those days are less and less and the victory days are more and more frequent.