Rainy day dream away

I was praying the other night before sleep and thinking about the sad ‘old’ part with all my pain and emotion. I was asking that the emotion could come out somehow. In the night I had a vivid dream that I was weeping everything out. I woke up and I was still weeping. It felt cathartic and good. I hope that this is a true picture. How wonderful it would be to be able to find all the pain and release it. Had a turgid time yesterday when I tried to make a few ‘cold’ phone calls, I definitely switch or something and just feel in a total panic, and can’t speak, often for several seconds. Then, there is a job in work I’m supposed to do which is technically almost impossible. There are light fittings we need to repair, and many of them are over a balcony, so you can’t use the standard telescoping platform to reach them. The powers that be wouldn’t pay someone else to come in and do it, so it’s little ol’ me of course. I’m getting too old to be swinging round on platforms 40 feet high like an orangutan, or in my case a senile gorilla, and it seems so dangerous, my system is revolting. Part of me was thinking of looking for another job (again). Such is my super strong escape mode. Sometimes I go to bed early and try and sleep, there is someone young and crushed who needs comfort. I’m still looking forward to the conference in August at Thrive, where I hope to learn some new techniques to try and get more healing.
I was reading a book review today, and the author was lamenting how many Christians have problems. He was asking why we don’t just believe and embrace what Jesus did on the cross, and live happily ever after. I really wish I could do that. In my conscious mind I’ve done it many times, it’s my subconscious that trips me up, if only I could fix that I’d be fine. Perhaps he’s right, if I really believed what God says in live it, I would be fine. God will be my judge over how well I’ve done.