Doing Well

A lull of a few days since my last post. Things haven’t been too bad, all things considered. The weather has been warmer and my spirits are higher. Last Friday I was helping to lead worship at a Messianic fellowship and lifted the roof off. People in the congregation said they could hear angels singing with us. What a privilege to be there and partake. I went out for prayer after the service and felt a real touch from the Lord. Sometimes my mind isn’t clear and I don’t know where something is coming from; is it a demon, a part of my mind, or alter personality, or am I just being spiritually oppressed? I wish I knew. I often feel confused and helpless, which is of course exactly where satan wants me to be. I’ve seen myself a lot recently waging war on many demons, slashing them to pieces with a large double edged sword. This felt really good. I’ve also felt released in worship a lot which is wonderful. Had a session with my therapist yesterday but couldn’t get to any memories or anything. Oh well. Looking forward to 2 nights of special services at the Messianic fellowship. Yippee.

A little better

As I suspected I'm feeling a little better. I got some friends to pray for me and I was fighting through my negative feelings. My wife is such a sweet beautiful thing - far too good for me. It's Easter this weekend and new beginnings, I wish that would happen for me, or am I too messed up to be a member of the human race? No, everyone counts, it's just I don't feel like I do sometimes. Such is my disability. What a great day it will be when I get to heaven. I'm playing at a Messianic Fellowship on Friday and that's always a blast. Baruch adonai. Y'shua rules, now and for evermore.

A right ol' mess

Well, got into a right old mess somehow. Not feeling on top of anything, overwhelmed, sad, hopeless. In spite of God blessing me I feel unloved. This is crazy, but the feelings are so strong. If Mrs E had any sense she’d be out of the door, or more properly, throw me out the door. I’m afraid to commit suicide, (I don’t know if I would go to heaven or hell, or even what I would say to the Almighty), something in me hates what I am doing, but I still do it anyway. I’m afraid to talk to anyone and say how I really feel as it’s so off the wall. Even worse is that I know I’ll feel different in a while and these feelings will pass. I also feel lonely, as I don’t have any real friends here, it’s hard moving countries and starting again in middle age. There’s no-one who I can just drop in at their home and have a deep talk with them, and a cup of coffee. How sad. Anyway, I’ll keep pressing on, doing my job, and trying not to upset Mrs E too much, even though I hate myself deep down for hurting such a wonderful person, who deserves far better than me. How strange life is. One good thing is I lost 4 pound last week on my diet. I haven’t really been trying too hard for a while, and have struggled with feelings that I’m going to die soon. Sometimes I think, “What’s the point of anything”, or I just need comfort food. Whatever happens, I don’t feel in control of my eating. Anyway, must keep pressing on. I went on a walk at lunchtime, and have bought a copy of the New Testament on CD. I was listening to Ephesians and Colossians, and getting blessed. Must do that more often. I used to go every day almost, but the winter here means it’s quite hard, or hardly possible to walk in the country while the snow and ice are deep. Well, quite a ramble today. Hope nobody reads this.

No snow show, well, only a little

Well, the snow didn’t amount to much. Again, the weather forecasters on the TV shows here prove that all they want is ratings, and not the truth. Reminds me of the rest of the media, but again, I digress. Perhaps the funniest take was this morning on the local radio. The two deejays were advertising a concert. One said ,”They’ve sold 20,000 tickets.” His partner protested, saying the venue only holds 6,000 people. “I got the figures from the weather department,” was his snappy reply.
Mrs E and I are still sleeping apart and keeping our distance after her cancer treatment, and will be for a few more days yet. We also have 3 Beagles at home instead of one. Our pet’s natural mother and sister are here to stay. This keeps life amusing and leaves little time for self pity or unhealthy self examination, which is good. This week my picture from the Lord was me in a boat on a huge sea or ocean. Jesus was at the stern, with one of those huge oars that propel as well as steer the vessel. Rescuer was looking out for me in the bow, but quickly came and sat with me, watching Jesus intently. A storm brew up and amazingly, Rescuer calmly sat with me, watching Jesus, instead of intervening. A truly remarkable turnaround. And of course we didn’t sink in the storm, we were fine.
I’m looking forward to a weekend of bathroom construction, and a meeting of our group of fellow travelers on the same road. Not sure what will happen, but the roast turkey dinner sounds good.

Calm before the Storm

Storm's a comin' soon. What a beautiful day, cloudless skies this morning, the sky a deep azure blue that seems so beautiful in the midwest. However, lurking to our west somewhere is a huge storm, that will hit about midnight tonight. It will snow for more than 36 hours they say, with total accumulation of up to 13 inches, 33cm. I was feeling all philosophical (did I spell it right?) about life's storms. How often we feel great, our sky is blue, but lurking just to the west, out of view, is a huge storm that will change our lives completely. Such is life for the likes of me. I was also thinking how disasters bring out the worst in some people and the best in others. I hope and pray that my particular storm brings out the best in me and not the worst, except to be weeded out by the Heavenly Gardener.

Faithless to faithful

Well, an amazing weekend of realizing God’s care and compassion. A few weeks ago I was at a lecture, and bought one of the books the man had written. I asked him to sign it, and he put in a Bible verse, 2 Timothy 2:13, If we are faithless, He remains faithful; He cannot deny Himself. This was very prophetic of the last few weeks, where I’ve certainly felt low on faith, high on fear and uncertainty. Our household has several large bills looming, not least of which is around $6000 to repair our street. It seems that unlike England, the householders here have to pay for the road outside their house. I wonder what would happen if one lived on a 10 lane interstate highway, would you get a bill for $200 million? Anyway, I digress. I have been concerned that there are these bills looming and a distinct lack of financial resources. I have a blue collar job, and as I work in the non profit sector, the wages are lower than other places. Well, Mrs E and I were gobsmacked when a family member gave us a large cash gift, more than enough to pay for our street repair. It also just arrived in time, as the tooth my dentist had warned me about broke up over the weekend, and the crown cost me $850 today. I am so aware of God’s total care at the moment, completely at the other end of the scale from where I’ve been for some weeks. I think it started when I crashed my car a couple of months ago. A lady backed out of her driveway without looking and I slammed into the side of her car. This really shook me up, and in making many phone calls thereafter my speech was often so locked up I couldn’t speak at all and my beautiful angelic wife had to do the talking for me. My system seemed to be totally derailed and rudderless. I have missed a few weeks appointments with Dr T, my therapist and that hasn’t helped. As for my beloved soul mate, I don’t know what I would do without her, it’s our 8th anniversary today and we will celebrate this evening. She has also been through the mill in the past year or so; 2 surgeries for thyroid cancer, and one surgery last week for skin cancer that left a huge wound on her forehead. How does she keep so cheerful? I think my sytem would have a swift, panic board meeting and decide it was time to throw in the towel.
Anyway, I still feel really blessed and that God has a wonderful plan for me, well for all of us, and it will all work out in the end. Better to arrive in heaven in a party, even if it is all parts of your mind, than stand there alone?

Another day

Well, Friday is nearing its end, it's snowing like billyo and we expect 3", 75mm or so. I'm feeling pretty chipper but am unsure who's in the front seat driving at the moment. We have a busy weekend, I will start remodeling my downstairs bathroom this evening and working like a gallley slave tomorrow to do as much as I can. When I started a couple of weekends ago I was in my own little world. I wasn't sure which part was working but I did a good job. Someone was terrified of making a mistake but didn't. Now I have to build a new wall, then plumb in a new sink, waste, and shower. Hey ho.

I am always amazed how I can change so quickly. Some switches are subtle and I go seemlessly from one part to another, but sometimes it's like chalk and cheese. I often wonder which is the "real" me, the affable easy going one, or the terrified, abused child. They both seem to have their place.

Scars

Well, Mrs E now has a large scar on her forehead, the hole was 5cm long and 2.5cm wide. The doctor was able to stretch some skin over the crater and stitch it up. He thinks that the scar won't be too noticeable. As it's on the hairline, she isn't too upset, as she wears her hair down in a fringe anyway.
We still feel threatened though that things will fall apart. We still feel that anything good will be taken away. Last night Mrs E looked us all in the eye and told us she wasn't going to die and that it would be okay, but not many believe her. We always seem to get stuck alone. What will happen to us next time the bad things happen?

Web trauma

Now having trouble posting, due to web something or other. I was also able to set the time properly. Hurrah. A lot calmer now the posting page is working.

Strange how one moment one can feel so churned up and the next, peaceful. I often wonder how different I'll feel in heaven. My life here has previously been ruled by strange irrational emotions that I always thought were normal but now know different. Also what I thought was the truth about my early life I now know to be lies and the things I never thought could be the truth are actually the truth. Truly, life is stranger than fiction. The father I always thought was decent, but a bit distant, is the one that used me for his sexual gratification. My mother, who should hsve prtected me, used me the same way, and didn't protect me from abuse. My uncle D who was always around was one of my tormentors. The kind man who built me model airplanes as a gift only did it to pay me for using me. How strange life is. The only consolation is that great Bible verse when Joseph says, "Don't be afraid....you intended to harm me, but God meant it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." I am sure that what has happened to me will be used to help many others. That's what keeps me going I think, also I get glimpses of the real world occasionally when I feel normal for a short time.

Wait over

Well, 4pm and Mrs E is out of surgery, all the cancer roots taken out. Several stitches on her noggin in reconstructive surgery. Her mom is taking her home, where I'll see her in about an hour. While I was glumly working away the lady I upset earlier came to talk to me about something and sweetly prayed for me. Such is the Christian life; one that by far surpasses anything man ever invented.

Bad day

Mrs E has been in surgery all day so far (3pm) from 7am with skin cancer. The lump is on her forehead near the hairline. The deal is that they cut away what they can see is cancerous, then check the skin underneath for any more cancer. This takes about an hour, then they cut out more and you wait another hour, and so on. So far she's been back four times and there are further "roots" to dig out. The hole is getting bigger, and my wondering is keeping up. As usual, the doctors were very reassuring, but now I'm not so sure. She may well need plastic surgery on the large hole. My main concern is the little one who thinks that anything good will be taken away is in full swing. I feel really split, one part feeling it's a good thing they found the cancer, the other thinking that Mrs E will be taken away, as that's the way it's been with everything else. Anything good is not for me, and will be taken away. So, I let her mom take her to the hospital. I've come to work to try and work through. I'm not sure if I'm escaping or in denial. I wish I hadn't come into work as I did someone a favor and booked a wedding at the end of the year, to incur the wrath of the lady who does the bookings. I had assumed that I was capable of doing this thing myself but was obviously deluded. Well, must wait for the next phone call from my beloved.

Feeling better

Well, feeling better today after a bad couple of days. Got really angry about something at work, then realized later the evening while talking to Mrs E that the anger was still there, and that it was probably a part. Had a good time of prayer before bed, and actually slept through the night for the first time for a long time. No strange dreams or flashbacks. Thank you Y'shua. I'm singing tonight at a meeting at church so I hope that goes well. There's certain optomism when I feel good. When I feel good I really do feel very good, the problem is sometimes I'm not aware if there's a part out when I feel bad. At times it's obvious, I feel like I'm living from the back of my brain, watching what is going on. Someone else is talking and working my personality. At other times it's more subtle, and it's often a long time later when I'm talking about some strong emotion that I can tell there's a part out that I wasn't aware of before. That's what it was like last night. I am also amazed that the second I feel like I'm not in control I revert to a terrified child. That child, or many children, are still in there, trapped in their own little world, full of terror. When they come out they are there to protect me. They take some pain or trauma, or perception thereof, and make sure they take it and not me. They have been doing the same job for over 50 years and I often feel they are tired. Thank the Lord that one day there will be rest for all the weary.

Avoidance

I was thinking a lot over the past few days about avoidance. As I was contemplating the meaning of life between sleep and vomiting, I was thinking about those I never see much in my family. I have a sister and brother. I am often uneasy with my sister, she is loving but very direct, and this sends my whole system into retreat, denial, or avoidance. I want to run away screaming. As we now live in different countries it’s easier not to be in constant contact but upsetting on a personal level not to have a close, happy family. My sister has found a wonderful husband a few years ago and she‘s a lot happier. My brother also lives in another country so I don’t have a lot of contact with him either. He’s had many problems as well in his health and personal life, but has found a super girlfriend. I had a bad feeling about them both when talking to my wife about it over the weekend. Sometimes things like that can turn me into a tailspin very quickly. I get very emotional and feel guilty or dirty about my bad relationships and this isn’t good for me. Of course I know in my rational mind I could be a lot worse, or even dead by now after all the stuff I went through, but here I am still stumbling along. Sometimes I’m in victory and carrying the banner of Y’shua, other times I’m crawling along in a cesspit and trying to keep my head above the mire. Thankfully those days are less and less and the victory days are more and more frequent.

Lost Days

Well, here I am after a few days downtime. Early hours of Thursday morning, there I was stumbling out of bed feeling really nauseous, then blowing chunks every 15 minutes for the next several hours. The Spanish call it Los Muchos Pukos, the Latin name is Vomitus Pukos Maximus. I’m feeling a little better now but not very well. On Saturday I had to drag myself out to church to help in a training day. I did well all day in public speaking, then blew it at the end when I closed the day and couldn’t speak. What a bummer. Later that evening I was in turmoil and couldn’t sleep, with flashbacks in abundance. Sunday I was still in confusion, and didn’t start recovering until late afternoon. I was okay by the evening, but didn’t sleep well last night. Back to work today, not feeling too good but coping. When I got in, some nice person has moved or taken all the DVD players and power point projectors, and we needed two this morning for meetings. A kind member of staff tracked down one for me and for the second I stole the youth dept’s DVD player and wired that up to a TV for the other meeting. O the joys of building management.

my choice for healing

My choice for healing is colored by my beliefs and theology. Many people with DID/MPD go to conventional therapists, psychologists, and the like. The average time to get good healing is apparently 7 years or so. With Christian prayer type healing, much can be achieved in 2 to 3 years. When I first became aware of the extent of my problems I was attending a Christian church that offered prayer for these kind of problems so that was the path I chose. Our church has seen dramatic recovery in people with a range of problems from low self esteem to extreme dissociation. We mainly use Theophostic Prayer which was introduced by Dr Ed Smith. Check out his website www.theophostic.com. This has been seen as controversial by some in the Christian community and is not a pill for every ill. However, we have seen amazing healing of many problems in many people. I am also hoping to attend a conference by Dr Jim Wilder in the summer. His work is in the same area, but with a holistic approach aiming for synchronization of the whole person as well as mental and emotional healing.
http://www.care1.org/
Also check out Dr Tom Hawkins Restoration in Christ ministry.
http://www.rcm-usa.org/

Recent Session

Well, just wanted to share about my last session with my therapist. The path I’ve chosen for therapy is prayer, as it fits in with my Christianity. As God made us, surely He can fix us?
One of the parts of my mind that often interferes is called Rescuer. As his name implies, he thinks it’s his job to rescue me any time I start probing into any difficult memories or experiences. Last session, I was pressing on into some yucky stuff, and Rescuer appeared to take me, as a little boy, away from the trauma I was looking at. Amazingly, this time, he talked to Jesus and had quite a long conversation with Him. Even more amazingly, after intervening in countless sessions, Rescuer came out of the darkness where he lives, and came into the light where Jesus was standing, with many other little ones. He came into the group of little ones, who enthusiastically welcomed him. Rescuer seemed overcome, and fell to his knees, put down his sword and shield, and cried, “Jesus is Lord” over and over again. A truly epic moment after over two years of Rescuer doing his job and taking me away. He was just doing his job, but of course it was hard for me to resolve some things as he wouldn’t let me go there.

Last night's dreams

A recurring theme of my dreams is being trapped, but last night I was trapped and held captive and the guard came in, and I beat the living daylights out of him, and killed him. Other times, I've been trapped and couldn't escape. What a blessing, I hope this is a symbol of my progress.