Heartbreak break

Broken hearted (again) after finding out I'd done poor Mrs E a great wrong some time ago and she's never recovered from it. What a jerk I am. Even when I do things like that, I'm always wondering if it's the real me, or a part. Of course that doesn't help poor old Mrs E who gets all the tar beaten out of her (verbally) by several parts for different things that are my fault. What a life she must have (a bad one). The most amazing thing is that she still loves me and sticks with me, especially when i don't deserve it. That's hard, as I'd feel better if she tore me up and threw me into the driveway.
Anyway, feeling really fragile now, as I also have the mother of all colds and have been miserable the whole weekend. The bright side though is that we have a new car, a slightly used Mitsubishi that is a dream to drive.
Well, back to the cold medicine.

Moving on

Went for prayer last Tuesday with some friends of a friend (who may be reading this). They specialize in breaking generational curses, and prayed on those lines. It was a good time, with some interesting prayers and nice inspiring words at the end. I pray they come true. I have felt lighter in my spirit since, so I hope and pray I can build on this foundation, and hope and pray that I can break away from my family's spiritual swamp, which is very deep and smelly.

Goodbye good friend

Yesterday, said goodbye to my closest man friend. He flies to Ghana next Tuesday for a new life. His wife has a job working for an agency that gives grants and loans to businesses, so they'll have a great time. He will keep part of his graphics business going via the web. Isn't technology wonderful? Well, sometimes. Perhaps the best thing I've seen for a long time is Skype, a web service. If you and your friend have Skype, you can connect on the web free of charge, and use it like a phone. You can do video as well. So, at least we can video conference talk while he's in Africa.
On the home front I've had some really black days I've had to fight through to keep my sanity, when the easiest thing to do would have been to give up on life and either run away or kill myself. It's been a good thing I walk my dog early morning before I go to work. I can then pray (in between dissociative daydreaming) and try and sort myself out for the day. How strange it is when the conflicting parts try to take over and are either at war, or being overwhelmingly negative, yet when I speak on the outside it's completely different. On Tuesday evening I have a prayer appointment with some warriors who are expert at generational stuff, so I'm hoping that will help me. Cut out the root and the tree dies, right?

And so on....

And so on.....or something. Some phrase or other. Mrs E has a face with a large lump after jaw surgery on Friday and is unwell. Just a simple surgery, ha ha. Take out a broken baby tooth, drill into the jaw bone, put a titanium post in that fuses to the bone, then stitch the gums back together. I can feel her pain. Get well soon sweetie.
A different weekend. I went to a local church be a chaplain, prayer person, for a local men's purity ministry, run by a friend of mine. It was a great time, and an honor to pray with some men at the end who wanted to be free from sexual addiction or to be better husbands. God bless them. I've been struck recently by how much sex there is everywhere, from TV shows to advertising. I hardly watch TV, except for "proper" shows on the public channel. No wonder so many men fall into that kind of sin. That leads me to the famous preacher, Pastor Ted, who was caught out this week allegedly involved in homosexual shenanigans. I must say I'm not surprised. After all I've been through I have acute discernment I think and I could see through that man the first time, and the only time I have watched him on the TV. How tragic that so much responsibility is placed on pastors, or are they "superpastors" or something? I am surely convinced that nothing in Christianity is to be done alone. Even a lone missionary abroad or whatever should have a prayer team at home and be challenged and encouraged as well as prayed for. These "big" pastors are in jeopardy all the time. They can easily think of themselves as "big" or "important" in the Kingdom of God, when we're all treated the same by our Father. Those with more talents (gifts) are held to a high standard. Also, the bigger the ministry, the bigger the target for satan to shoot at. He likes nothing better to see a big name fall and cast doubt on everyone's integrity, when the vast majority of people live quiet, but humble lives. I know many men who don't sleep around, steal money or the like. It's just that they're not in leadership, so only the Almighty notices. They quietly serve their families, friends, church, and of course the Lord. That's fine by Him of course, and that's the point. We are all responsible for each other. When one suffers, all suffer. When one sins, all the body is affected as well. That's why there should be no Lone Rangers in the kingdom. We all need each other as well as Almighty God.

Great quote

Heard a great quote at the weekend, someone was being prayed for as they went into ministry, and this is what their friend prayed over them......

May all your expectations be frustrated
May all your plans be thwarted
May all your desires be withered into nothingness
That you experience the powerlessness and poverty of a child
And dance in the love of God,
Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.

Story of my life, or what?

The long weep

Monday evening I was sitting on the downstairs couch with Mrs E with many negative thoughts whirling round my fractured and shattered brain. Great thing was I was able to have a good cry. How cleansing and releasing tears are. How I wish I could cry more of them. In the Psalms, David weeps a lot. In those days some people used to keep their tears in a bottle. How I wish my bottle was full, instead of just a few drops here and there.

Time of blessing

Well, feeling really blessed at the moment, seem to have been able to break through lots of stuff. We have been attending a different church for 3 weeks now and we like it a lot. More important than that, the Lord seems to be confirming our move in many ways. A common theme has been Grace for a while now, along with Messianic themes and messages. I am most blessed, and most at home when I move in worship in Messianic circles. I love dancing and singing Jewish themes. What a blessing to be a part of Israel, by birth, or more importantly by faith. If only Christians would explore the Jewish roots of the faith, and realize they are Jews by faith, I believe it would be a revolution. End the pattern of men in suits teaching Greek philosophy, and begin worshipping Messiah in spirit and truth. What a life change that would be.

Shalom Jerusalem

Pray for the peace of Jerusalem. Simple. How complicated life is out there in the Middle East, and here at home in the USA. My therapist tells me that one of the signs of mental dysfunction is making everything too simple. Life is complicated and we should accept it. I've often pondered these words. Life as a multiple can be even more complicated. Which voice is the true you? As the joke goes, "Help, I think I'm going mad, the voices in my head seem to make sense!"
I don't know about anyone else, but I'm heartily sick of the Muslim agenda. Every news bulletin has film of some Muslim group somewhere either killing vast amounts of other Muslims, or demonstrating about some perceived insult to the prophet. Shame they don't demonstrate against the death squads and suicide bombers with the same fervor. I'm also more and more dismayed at the cowardice of most world leaders, who are seemingly terrified of upsetting Muslims. Surely any credible religion should be strong enough to take criticism. If it's so weak or sensitive as to be threatened by criticism it's not worth much. All this is academic, as soon we will have a new capital offence throughout the whole western world; "Threatening Islam, or upsetting a Muslim." The penalty is having crazed psychopaths try and kill you, while killing dozens of their own people in the process. If anyone can show me and Muslim country that is;
1 Democtratic
2 Treats women and children with respect
3 Gives women rights comparable to the west (no we're not perfect but light years ahead of Muslims)
4 Gives education to women and girls
5 Doesn't spend most of it's money on weapons while people are grindingly poor
6 Has a free economy
I'll convert to Islam. What I see, and any other sane person sees, is the opposite of all the above, together with the spirit of death and destruction.
In all this, sits lonely Israel. One day it will all blow up, and we'll see Messiah return. Come soon, Yeshua.

New beginnings?

Mrs E and I feel like we need a new beginning. We had our second visit today at a possible new church, and liked it a lot. Next week we start a 3 weeks class to see what the church has to offer. We felt excited about going to church today and that's a feeling that's been missing for a couple of years. We hope to be obedient to what God wants for us and to be fruitful for Him, which is difficult to do when you're unsettled, or in my case, unsettled and several voices giving different opinions. I was able to speak today to a close friend who had been overwhelmed in pain and took a wrong turning in the journey. This person was afraid I and others would reject them I would only do that if I was perfect, and as that will never happen, I'll never reject anyone who stumbles. It was good to talk to that precious friend today and be supportive and gracious to them.

The eagle leads the way?

Yesterday we visited a large dynamic church. We are still "shopping" and on the lookout for a new family and community to belong to. As we drove along the highway near the church, a large Bald Eagle flew overhead. Now I should explain that the Lord has spoken to me a lot about eagles over the years, and recently a lot. He has shown me that I can be an eagle, and all that implies. So, I was pleasantly surprised to see the bird yesterday. After we got into the service, the pastor who was speaking seemed on a hotline to God and spoke to me about all the things going on in my life at the moment. Amazing. So, it looks like this could be the place. Lead on thou Heavenly Warrior.

Here I is, here we are

Turbulent weeks have gone by, no blogging, as not a lot of life interest. Have made an appointment with a friend of a friend to be prayed over for generational stuff, there's many a verse in the Bible about that kind of thing, so it won't do any harm. Some good friends have been struggling, and have sadly fallen by the wayside, stumbling all their friends along the way. How our past shapes us is astounding. There are many theories out there about the mind etc., but I think everyone who I've ever read on the subject of the mind seems to say that we are what our past makes us. This begs the obvious question. Is God bigger than our past? I struggle with this sometimes, as of course I believe He is, but often the consequences of my past catch up with me. An obvious way to look at this is; say I murdered a school friend when I was younger. Then, I become a Christian. God forgives me (amazingly) and sets me free from that terrible sin. So there I am cleansed and forgiven by God. One day I am walking down the street and bump into my friend's mother. She is obviously distressed and attacks me. Even though God forgave me, I still have to live with the consequences of my sin. Some of us are more sinned against than sinners against others, and those experiences shape our minds and emotions. It's very hard for our minds to grasp the truth of God's freedom when we've been in denial for decades. This is perhaps the hardest part of the journey.

Micksed upp wurrld

Two weeks of pergatory really. My daughter has been visiting, which is wonderful, but I've been in so much pain I haven't been very good company much of the time. My jaw, face, neck and shoulders have just been so painful it's been close to unbearable. It has almost been to the point of "what's the point of living" a few times, which is a dangerous way to think. Only a few steps to the smoking barrel. Good job I don't have a gun. Anyway, we celebrated my birthday over the weekend, but it's actually tomorrow (Tuesday). I got a super cool Epson printer, that will print shots from my recently acquired Sony digital camera, which I really like. It also prints on to CD and DVDs as well, no less. Should be fun, if I live long enough.
We're still struggling with our church, a large Evangelical Free Church. Both Mrs E and I need a new challenge or experience, we're sure, so we may soon have to go "church shopping", which is always difficult. We wish there was someplace where the Jewish aspect of the faith was majored, alongside the rock truths of Christianity. I'm learning more and more that the Jewish side of Yeshua (Jesus) is vital to know to gain the greatest understanding of the Scriptures, as the Jewish aspect really brings the verses alive in a way that the Greek scholars miss. Plus, I think it's a fair assumption that some, or all of the New Testament was spoken in Hebrew, and maybe even first written in Hebrew, before the Greek text was used as the universal language of the day to reach as many of the goyim (nations) as possible. The vast majority of the authors were Jewish anyway, and that would be their world view, not the current Greco-Roman philosophy that has permeated, and watered down, the western Christian church. Placing this mindset on top of the original Jewish world view, in my opinion, has ruined many parts of the chuch as we know it. Someone was telling me about a Council that was called early in church history, where they decided to take as many Jewish refernces as they could from the New Testament. Perhaps they thought that was a good thing to do to reach as many goyim as possible, or maybe they were just anti Semetic. Who knows. However, this seems to me be be like a slap in the face to the Jewish people, and perhaps even the Lord Himself, who thought Jewishness was so important He gave them the Torah, Writings, and Prophets, then He Himself became one of them, in the tribe of Judah, to share His lifegiving Good News. We should be reverential to the former covenant books, from Moses to Malachi, and not major on the New Testament only. My Jewish friends call the New Testament the Amputated Bible. Enough said. I wonder when the 144,000 Jewish evangelists come in the end times, that their message will be even more powerful because they will present it from their Jewish world view. I have volunteered to be one of them, but I don't have my marching orders yet.

Long live screaming

Well, I finally did it. You know....it. My wonderful counselor tried to get me to scream during my last sessions, but I was only able to "scream" silently into a cushion. This week, I have started screaming out loud when I need to. I have to thank the moronic, condescending tuckpointing company man for it. I wanted an estimate for re-pointing a few cracks on the front of the building, so he sent a quote to powerwash most of the bricks, then replace about a dozen bricks on a rear wall near the dumpsters. Cost? A mere $10,000. He caught me once without his proposal in front of me, but next time I had it there. I asked him why he was going to tuckpoint the whole wall. He interrupted me and said, "This is only a small job, repairing four or five cracks." "Small job?" I said, then why is it costing $10,000 then? to which he didn't really reply. It was enough to make anyone scream, so I did, much to the amusement of my office colleagues. Hey ho.
I've had a few terrible nights, and I'm still the person I was several years ago all of a sudden, scary. I'm waiting for the next thing to come along. My jaw is still aching away, as is my neck and shoulders. I wish I knew what was going on.

Turnip head

Perhaps this is me, or the part that's out. He certainly is strange. Before going to the conference and prayer week, I was Leslie, the enthusiastic Jewish boy. Now I'm plain old Les again, the slogger who is thinking he's on the verge of sex addiction. Sad thing is, I'm very calm about it. My blood pressure was 120/60 the other day and my pulse 60. This should not be, as I'm so overweight. I had to change my depression meds the other day as the new ones I was given aren't working. This past weekend I was thinking the "old" way with crazy and suicidal thoughts. Lucky I was in bed trying to get to sleep at the time (ha ha). The past week was quite eventful, one day I managed to see my doctor, friend/psychologist, and dentist all in one day. No, I didn't get much work done. The dentist was a hoot. I had 2 good days after my prayer time before the sky fell in, and during that time I had lots of severe pain in my shoulders, neck, jaw and face. That eased off after a few days, to be replaced, or augmented? by severe toothache. I endured it for about 5 days and then went to the jolly old dentist. He looked solemn and started telling me about having to cut through my recent $800 crown, then filing roots out....bla bla. I told him that was too much detail for me to cope with, and to just do it. Well, an hour or so later I had a rubber cheek and lip, and was drooling with the best Boxer dogs anywhere. A mere $800, plus $200 for emergency treatment. After I got home and read the leaflet he gave me, I wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry. He had saved the tooth, I read, instead of in the old days, when the tooth would have to have been extracted. The tooth was a small one and I could live without it, but at the time I was so shell shocked by the pain I wasn't thinking clearly. I should have said "Extract it my man," but instead I lay on the chair going "Aargh, aah, wellbbblomgingshunt," like a demented drunken bovine.
Our dog is recovering from intake of rat or mice poison, whether accidental or deliberate we don't know. Together with the $1000 vet's bill, $4000 to fix Mrs E's teeth, $800 car repair, and about $2000 for our conference cotsts and prayer week costs, this has been, I think, the most action/trauma packed, and of the course the most expensive 4 weeks I can remember. That doesn't mean much as most of my life is so traumatic I can't remember it anyway. Together with the fact I seem to have turned into the person I was over 5 years ago when I first started having symptoms, I think "shell shocked" is the best description.

Back from Michigan

Back at work again. First week away was a conference on healing of the mind and soul etc after trauma. I was worship leading as well and that was full. The second week was prayer, and what an intense time it was. I was aware that many demonic entities were falling away, and of more victory. With that, I was taken to many places of wonder and dismay at other people's cruelty. The best time was when Jesus showed me His plan for me, to be an eagle and to soar in the heavens, to see beyond the visible, to see the spiritual and work in the supernatural realm.
More in posts to come.

H-E-L-P

What a week.....Mrs E got a bee sting early in the week and has been unwell since. She now has a rash all over the place and feels yuck. Her digestive sytem is upset and acting up. She broke a tooth as well, I'll spare you the details, but it will cost $4,000 to fix up. Her job is super stressful as someone messed up her contracts she's been writing for months. My car wouldn't start yesterday, battery dead. I got that running last night, then Mrs E's car died. It was towed to the garage today dead as a stone. We hope it can be fixed. We are hoping to drive to Michigan tomorrow (Saturday) for a conference where I'll be leading worship, then the week after, I'll going for an intensive week of prayer/counseling. My daughter was over this week from Aussie and she has been unwell with stomach ailments. I haven't had much time to prepare my music stuff so that's a rush. We haven't packed anything yet and hope to leave tomorrow morning. So hey ho, a great week. I hope that God will bless us more than satan has attempted to upset us. I'm sure He will. Even if we have to hire a car, we're still going to Michigan for the conference, so there satan and all your fallen angelic beings, you're o-n t-h-e l-o-s-i-n-g s-i-d-e. You know it as well as your demons do.

le weekend ete arrive

Another week has rushed by, and the weekend is up on us. This weekend we're excited because our daughter arrives from Aussie tomorrow (Saturday). Then on Sunday, I'm going to hear Paul Cox speak in Minneapolis. He's a man who runs Aslan's Place, where he's expert in spiritual warfare and the like. Should be fun. Really feeling revitalised in my spiritual life, I've really been aggressive with the enemy for several weeks now and I can feel the difference. I still get occasional knocks, but overall I'm feeling spiritually stronger.
I'll be off the air for 3 weeks now, my daughter's visit next week, then the week after I'm worship leading at a conference in Michigan. The third week I'm an "in patient" for a week of intensive prayer.......pray the Lord does some new and mighty works.

Church visit

Went to a different church yesterday, a friend took us. It was smaller than our own church, but very friendly. I wore my kippa to show solidarity with our people, Israel and felt blessed doing so.
The whole Middle East struggle seems insoluble. I'm not sure if I'm happy or sad about it, as surely it will lead to Messiah's return and the end opf all things. One thing is sure though, things will get a lot worse before we see the antichrist bring peace, heralding the seven year countdown to Messiah's return to wrap things up. Various scriptures can be interpreted here, but perhaps the most definite is that many feel the return of Messiah will be within one generation of the formation of Israel. If they are right, it will be within 70 years from 1948, so about 2018. The Jews count this as year 5766, so it will be 34 years until 6000, when the age of man will end, and Messiah will reign for 1,000 years, to the year 7,000, when the earth and heavens will be renewed. So look out for 2018, or 2040. I don't think I'll be around for the second date, but I may be around for the first. Like everyone before me, I could be wrong, but the two theories above are the most sesible I've seen so far. Come Yeshua Adonai......quickly!

What's it like?

I often struggle to explain my conjulglerated multipropositional multiplicity to others. I did have a revelation over the weekend; it's like playing a game every day that's deadly serious. Make a mistake and you could hurt yourself or others, or even die by an accident because you're not in what you are doing, or commit suicide. The only problem is that the game rules keep changing constantly, and you don't know what they are. Also you have a sinking feeling that you can never win anyway. Whatever strategy you used even yesterday now doesn't work. You are continually harrassed by demonic beings, who cajole, threaten, or try to befriend you and lead you astray. You are never quite sure who you are, or who it is that is "presenting" to the outside world. You are fearful of switching, getting amnesic, or otherwise doing something that will get you fired. Whatever you do, you are not sure what your motive is, is it kindness, or a desire for people to love you? The two main strategies are denial, just push everything down and get through the day, or asking the Lord to take control of your day and control what switches go on, and what you present. I'm not sure which I do best. I do have occasions, though, when I feel I'm being myself, and God is leading me. I wish I could be like that all the time.

Heat is on

I'm a typical Englishman, I talk about the weather all the time. It hasn't rained for weeks and it's going to get extremely hot by all accounts, over 100 degrees. How that seems to me like the spiritual life quite often. You walk through difficulties, feeling like you're in the desert, then othertimes it seems all you can do is stand still. However, through it all we have to try and keep our excitement about the Lord on high, or we can faint in the face of adversity.
I'm excited about what the Lord is doing right now but trying hard not to faint, there are so many difficult areas in my life, and places where I don't seem to make any progress, mixed in with other places where I see the Lord working mightily.
One day it will all be plain, but for now, the Mystery can be mightily mysterious.

Step backward

Stepping backwards, still trying to go forwards......or something. Still really feeling locked up, sometimes with God, and sometimes just really a-l-o-n-e. I've been praying a lot about the remainder of the summer, at the end of this month I go to a conference in Michigan, where I'm worship leading. The week after, it's a week of intensive prayer, so watch out dark places and the like. Jesus is coming to take you out.
Still struggling with purpose, I could easily lock myself in a room and pray alone for several days, the Lord is very close at the moment, and His weight and presence is overwhelming. No-one can see Him and live, but we can feel Him and live an abundant life as He lives through us.

God gets it

I was reminded again today that "God gets it." I have been feeling low for a while, these feelings come and go, but often there is a feeling of hopelessness, when you feel even your nearest and dearest don't get it. It's easy to live in denial, I feel happy then when I can act like nothing happened and think I'm normal for a while. It's not long before some incident happens and the stuff comes out in one way or another.
This morning I wandered into the sanctuary; a ladies group was watching a Beth Moore video. She was at the point where she said she was able to confront one of her abusers. He apologized, but she could tell he "just didn't get it." She said things on the line of, "he just had no idea what it had done to me." Then , God came and spoke to her and said, "Beth, I get it." It was a good job that the session ended then and I could leave, otherwise I would have been weeping uncontrolably. My eyes are still teary, several mintues later.
God has been showing me recently that He has always looked after me. You may think that is crazy talk, the obvious question is "Where was God when those terrible things were happening?" The answer is in the Psalms, as are most of the answers given to a despairing heart.
Psalm 27
9,10 Do not hide Your face from me; Do not turn Your servant away in anger; You have been my help; Do not leave me or forsake me, O God of my salvation.
When my father and mother forsake me, then the Lord will take care of me.

Getting hot

After a while of English type weather, cool 70's in the day, 50's overnight, and low humidity, our normal weather will soon be here. Our Canadian friends loaned us their weather for a couple of weeks but now the hot plains air is coming up from the south. I can hardly wait.
I can also hardly wait for something to happen, I feel God is doing something new. The snag is He hasn't told me what it is. I can only guess. Work has been difficult in the sense that I find it hard to concentrate and get focused at the moment, my mind is often in la-la land and often I'm confused. I was at the dentist's on Monday, and something happened that is typical for us multiples. I must have been to the office dozens of times, and know it's on the 9th floor. I get in the elevator, and b-l-a-n-k. What floor is the dentist? What's his name? Err.....blank. I vaguely remember it's the 9th floor, and go there. Where is the office? Err......I find it eventually and arrive mercifully just a few minutes late. "Hello, err, err," I say to Sharon, who I have know for 6 years and now can't remember her name. I think I call her Gail, who is another lady who works there. I later recover after the agony of teeth cleaning and remember Sharon's name at least on the way out. Another time I was visiting the clinic I have been attending every 3 weeks for a year and a half at least for treatment on a foot wart that will soon be big enought to cover Chicago. One time I got in the elevator, and what floor is the clinic? Err, err, I get off on 3, and walk around for some time, realizing eventually I'm on the wrong floor. I eventually find a floor chart, and see it's on four. I get back in the elevator and find myself on the 2nd floor, why? No idea. I then go to four, and look for the clinic. Clue; there are only two on this floor, cancer and dermatology, and I think mine is "Derm" as they call it. So, I walk towards Derm and it all seems unfamiliar, even though I've been there 20 times already. Why is it so different? Have they changed the layout, or what? (Of course not). The desk lady is a little brisk, and I can't even speak, so I give her my appointment card and let her read it to get details.
These are the kind of occurences that happen not every day, but a lot of days in one form or another. Tuesday night I had a meeting and my speech was terrible, and it was important I spoke out. Aaaaah.
Then there is never being able to trust yourself very much. What part of me wants something now? A healthy part wanting good things, or a messed up or perpetrator part wanting to hurt me or someone? Why do I often feel nothing good happens for me, even though good things do happen.? Why am I afraid to want anything good for myself, even a nice guitar like I'm thinking of at the moment? My most common thing to do is to "put out a fleece" for the Lord and see what happens. Other times if I know I'm calm, thinking clearly and rationally (about 10% of the time I suppose) I feel better about hearing from the Lord or making decisions. Rest of the time? Err, err, err.
For the moment, I've prayed for the money for a guitar, so watch this space. My fleece is that it would be obvious and I would know it's from the Lord, or it won't happen. Err, err, err......I think.

Wild weekend

The annual midsummer family party is this weekend in Wiscon-sin. The fleshpots of Egypt beckon. It's good to know that we are protected and sealed by God at times like this. Mrs E's sister lives up north and the midsummer party is the highlight of their year. Having once been a total drunk and obnoxious person, I now look on from the outside at the many drunks who are the only ones who think they're funny. I feel sad for them, and sorry for them that they don't know the true meaning and purpose in life that only God can give them. My prayer every year is that I can introduce them to the Savior who can save them, not only from their empty lives, but from eternal punishment .
Some interesting prayer times this week. I pray a lot when I walk my dog in the early morning before I come to work. I've been doing high battle for Mrs E and my family, taking authority over all the powers of darkness and it feels really good. I've also noticed a greater freedom when I lead a group at church who are trying to free themselves from addictions. I feel like I'm getting my anointing back after many years in the wilderness. Thank you Jesus, I wonder whether the powers of darkness are trembling.

Hot again

The heat has returned, after a lull of cooler temps. Humidity too. Did I make a mistake building a deck onto my house? Will we only be able to use it in spring and autumn (fall)? I do have a back up plan, the gazebo I built a couple of years ago. That is screened in, to protect us from the state bird, the dreaded mosquito. These mosquitoes are satanically trained to inflict the most damage to a person, they can also carry Lyme's disease, which can be fatal. Such is life here. In Britain, we don't have a single dangerous creature, only man. There are a few vipers that can bite and cause sickness, but not usually fatal. Here, we have bears, moose, elk, wolves, racoons just north of us, and rattlesnakes to the south. Where we live in the city is mercifully free of death dealing animals, except the mosquitoes.
We can't say the same about demonic entities, which present themselves everywhere. I'm not a person who sees a demon under every tree, but I was always interested in the story, apparently true, of Alistair Crowley, who was Britain's biggest satanist by all accounts. Crowley was in London, in a house, and looked out of his window, screamed, and ran out of the house. He ran down the path and stopped a man walking by. "Who are you?" Crowley asked. "You are the first person I've ever seen who does not have personal demons attached to him."
"My name is Oswald Chambers", the man replied.
One thing I've been seeing recently is more of the spiritual realm. I was unsure of the things I was seeing, so I started testing them, and have been surprised how accurate they have been. It seems so easy for us to do or say something and open ourselves up to demonic interference. That's not to say we should be afraid, but it's to say we should be careful what we say and do. I am guilty about being too casual about this. As one preacher said, "Don't be surprised if satan comes to your house to check on, or take his property."
If we don't walk in God's ways, and keep close to Him, we are walking around with our defenses down in dangerous country populated by demons who love to torment and harm us. If we keep walking in the Lord's will we know whatever happens to us, it is in His will and control. It doesn't mean we will be safe, just under His care at all times.

Weekend warrior

Started off the weekend by taking Friday off and going fishing. A nice relaxing day with many a fish on my stringer. Saturday was a training day at a Lutheran church many miles away, but it was worth the trip. We had a great day learning much about spiritual warfare so it was wonderful.. I was bold and wore my tallit (prayer shawl) all day. It feels good and keeps me focussed on the Lord. Sunday we had a good prayer time and focussed on Mrs E's illnesses, one of which is a debilitating bowel disease that we're suspicious of, we feel it's a demonic attack. We made good progress and learned some new information, so we can keep praying for clarity.
I'm dostressed, as usual by the Israeli and Palestinian issues, now a family have been killed whilst on a beach. Hamas has ended it's truce. How sad that Israel will doubtless have to keep fighting for its existence until the Antichrist comes to make peace. Can't be many years away can it?

Monday again

I've noticed that Monday seems to appear at the start of every week with alarming regularity. Not being a morning person, I'm still shocked at being up at 5.15am, showering, then walking our dog, then leaving home about 6.40am to be in for 7am. You would think that the roads would be quieter then but au contraire they are mad busy. We even have friends who are up at 4am to feed their children, take them to child care etc and get to work at 7am. Such is the USA, where, contrary to most of Europe, it is an early society. I mean early in the day. Go to London, Liverpool, or any big British city and the streets are busy until 1 or 2am, and on the weekends 3 to 4am, then there's a short lull until 5.30am when the bus crews start going to work, then the rush is on from about 7.30am. I remember walking the streets of Budapest, and Bucharest in the middle of the night and it was teeming with people. Vienna and Frankfurt are the same. No, I'm not boasting I've been to these places, I'm just astonished that in the suburbs where we live, go out after 8pm and most places are empty or closing. That's because, I suspect, everyone has to be in bed by 9pm as they have to be up early for work. Ha! I thought it was just old age. The other thing is that I think I'll write to the Governor and get the phrase "Rush Hour" changed to "Rush Most of the day". This is because here, Rush "Hour" is from about 6am to 9,30am, then 2.30pm to 6pm. Whoever called it Rush Hour?

Tonight we see some friends, the wife has been similarly treated like me, and is so disturbed she's going to live in a community where they can care for people like her and I that society and the church either forget, or can't deal with. The four of us will have pizza, pop and ice cream, then maybe play some games for her to relax. How nice it would be if society and churches helped really hurting people more. The shame is that although they are a lot more work, they always seem to be multi-talented, and creative. Those in church also often become great prayer warriors that have the discernment to topple hugh satanic strongholds with a few words. How much society is missing. Most of the women are in hurtful relationships, or in mental institutions. Most of the men are in prison or dead. Such lost giftings and potential.

Fried tomato brain

Still stinking hot, very unusual for this time of year. The gorgeous green grass that was so healthy when I left work on Friday evening was scorched and brown when I returned on Tuesday. Out with the sprinklers. I'm still convinced that there's mainly two seasons here, stinking hot, and freezing cold. The in between times are too short to be called seasons in some years in my humble opinion. I have a nifty device in my drawer, an infra red thermometer. This shoots out a laser beam over a long distance and checks the temperature of the object without you having to touch it. Obviously very handy for a maintenance guy. Anyway, I took it outside. It's a lot cooler today than it has been, only mid 80's. But, the road surface was 127F, the concrete was 98F. Should have brought an egg in to fry.
Still working on my stuff, haven't slept very well for some time, and having really weird dreams, not especially nightmares, but in full color and very vivid. Often I end up not completing things I should do in the dream, so I wake up with a feeling of inadequacy. Help....doctor, nurse, why are you carrying that restraint?
My brain has been fried I think by the heat, and I'm forgetting and losing stuff everywhere. I also used good sheets for drop cloths instead of old ones when staining the deck, then dropped the good kitchen scissors somehow and smashed them...good old Mrs E, who managed a smile as she went to Target to buy new ones. Anyone else would have thrown me off the deck. (I deserved it). A very gracious, loving lady. What would I do without her?

Lord of the Ring

On Tuesday evening I was at church working in a Celebrate Recovery group. When I came home Mrs E was in the back garden planting some flowers and I somehow expected her to be in the house. I must have switched, as I found myself talking to her, and taking the cover off the aircon condenser unit, as next thing I knew.....no wedding ring. I vaguely remembered taking it off as my finger was itchy, or at least sliding down a little, then......blank. I searched a lot that evening, but it was going dark and I couldn't find it. Of course I was praying a lot, I was afraid Mrs E would be very upset, which I was sure she was, but she had mercy one me and didn't come down too hard on me. I prayed and asked the Lord as He knew where the ring was could He show it to us? Lo and behold, Mrs E was watering her flowers this morning, and there was the ring lying on a bare piece of soil I had already searched several times. The real Lord of the ring helped us out.

Who notices when you get up?

When you and I get up in the morning, who notices? If we live with others in a family, or we have pets, they certainly notice. God notices as He watches over us. But the most important person who we want to notice our rising is - satan. In Acts 19, the sons of Sceva try casting out a demon in Jesus' Name. The demon says to them, "Jesus I know, and Paul I know, but who are you?" Just think about it. Our names are written in heaven, that's wonderful, but are we hated in hell? When we get up in the morning, does hell tremble? How nice it would be if when any of us rose out of bed, satan and his demons started groaning, "Oh No! ___________'s awake again." (Put your own name in the gap). I wonder what would happen if we all had that impact on the powers of darkness?

The weekend flew by

Another week and weekend has flown by, another week older as well. It was Mrs E's birthday on Saturday so we troffed on ribs at Famous Dave's, surely the best ribs anywhere? On Sunday it was a family party. I didn't eat as much as I normally do, only about 3 European portions. About 5 Eropean portions (or EP) is the norm. I still put on a pound last week, despite not eating a lunch every day, just nibbling on snacks, but of course some where Naughty but Nice. I'm convinced it's a satanic plot to kill us all. Go to any church, and you'll hear people speaking out against drinking, smoking, greed, jealousy, and more, but rarely, if ever, about over-eating. Go to any church function here and there's enough food to feed Darfur for two months. Every event has to have food with it in most cases. Want an early morning prayer time? Male it a prayer breakfast. Want a late morning prayer time? A prayer brunch. Evening prayer time? Have a dinner. Are we all being killed with kindness? Satan doesn't need to have someone come and kill us, or send tormenting demons, he just needs to get us into membership of a middle class church, where we all just happily gorge ourselves to an early grave. Me included. How sad. So, back to the low food count days to see if I can be s weight loser, instead of another type of loser.

Another week

Another weekend over far too quickly. Whay are the weeks so long? Oh, er, the mortgage, right. Born to play guitar and fish, forced to work to pay for the same. The only saving grace is that I can be here to enlarge God's Kingdom and glorify Him. At least that's worth living for. Still thinking about my true heart, I wish I knew what it was. As it's been hidden for over 50 years it will be interesting when I eventually find it. I have been impressed more recently about keeping praying to keep pure and true, and to keep the enemy at bay. I've even been praying written prayers I got in a book from www.care1.org that are really good. Mrs E and I prayed for a while last night, she starts her new job today and is excited/little scared all at once. I am also noticing how easy it is for the head of the house (me) to lapse into passivity or carelessness and not steadfastly resist all satan's attacks, as well as stand in the gap for his wife and children, and other friends and family members. How difficult it is being a man these days when we've been assaulted by feminism, as if the only difference between men and women is their genitals (yes, that's what the morons had some believe) and the constant media shows that show women as superior beings (of course they are in some things) and the men as innefectual wimps who are insecure and can't do anything. Give me Jack Bauer from 24, who always seems to be the righteous man, even to his own harm. Speaking of heroes, anyone find a better one than God? Comes down from eternal bliss in heaven, lives among poor people as a carpenter, mixes with the down and outs, prostitutes and the like. Lives a perfect life, never does any wrong, never sins, then is subjected to what many people say is the most cruel method of execution ever invented. Lays down His life for those who don't know or acknowledge Him. Dies, defeats death, sin, and satan, then freely gives His life and power to any who will receive it. Who could improve on that? All that is noble in people in this world (and there is much) is just a shadow of God's character and goodness. Thank You Father for Your Son Jesus, and Your Spirit within us. The Holy Trinity will not be beaten by anyone, ever. You can bet your life on it. Millions have.

Non political

After my semi-political rant yesterday, back to more important things, heaven, hell, eternity etc. Today I was a good boy and went to the hardware store and bought 4 bags of fertiliser with weed killer built in. This I diligently used on the lawns at work, one of which especially is a dandelion forest. "Easy," I thought, "spread it and forget it." After many minutes of walk and spread, I collected the empty bags and casually looked at the instructions. Yes, I'm a man and don't read instructions. Well, I got one thing right. "Apply when the weeds are wet." We've had over 4 inches of rain these past 2 days. "Don't apply if rain is forecast within the next 24 hours." What? The forecast is for more rain. I immediately thought of the bazillions of people, who like me, have gone through life without ever reading the instructions, or even had any clue that they exist. I found out over 20 years ago that the instruction book is God's Word, the Bible, and to not do what is says is more dangerous than we think. Not only will we have unfulfilled lives here on earth, but tormented ones in eternity. If we bought a broken down car and didn't know how to fix it and we met someone who said, "I know everything about that car, every nut and bolt," and you said, "How?" and the person said, "I made the whole thing," if you were sensible you'd take notice. So it is with God and the Bible. As He made everything (read Genesis) He alone knows how to fix it (read John's gospel). Think about it; it makes sense.

Another week

I'm glad I'm not president. King George II here doesn't really have much power, which is one of the strangest things here in the US political system. Without taking any party stance, it seems that democracy over here isn't all it seems. The President, billed as the most powerful man in the world, is really quite impotent. What happens is he gets voted in for his first term The first year he's finding his feet and realizing he can't change much. The second year of his term he brings in some contentious legislation that Congress try to stop. The third year he's thinking about how to win his second term and doesn't do much. The fourth year he's electioneering and doesn't do any polital stuff. Then, he wins his second term. The contentious stuff he pushed through in his first term starts to bite him. The cabinet falls apart with some scandal or other. Then, in year three and four, he tries to ensure that another member of his party wins the next election, so he brings in fluffy laws that pander to people's wants. Then the cycle begins again. I'm contsantly amazed by how politicians treat people here. A common theme is that they don't do what people want, but what they think best. Here where I live, they want to buld three (yes three) sports stadia. One for the loser football team, one for the once great baseball team, and one for the university football team. The politicians want to put up sales tax in the county where the baseball team resides, so presumably no-one else from any other county will use it. They have stated openly that they won't have a referendum on this as they know the people will reject it. But, they say, they'll still do it anyway. Great democracy? I wonder. There are dozens more examples, which makes me ponder what their definition of democracy is. I always thought it was a government for the the people or by the people, didn't someone famous say that? When did it change?
Anyway, back to George II. He has tried, I think to be decent in what he does, but Iraq is a quagmire, fuel prices are high and no-one is seriously trying to push for alternatives. The only people getting rich are the oil companies. CEO's of companies get huge salaries and payoffs even when they bankrupt the company, and married people pay more tax than single people. Middle class and poor people get poorer, it's illegal to pay overtime to salaried staff (honest), while politicians get free golfing holidays from lobby groups, along with free houses etc.
Sorry I'm sounding like a leftie,(I'm not), but why and how do things get like this? What happened to common sense, decency, and serving the public?
Finally, several months ago Ted Kennedy was ranting and raving at Judge Alito as the poor guy was trying to get on to the supreme court. Alito had been a member of a group in university that had a bad record on how they treated women or something obscure. The hypocrisy was sickening. This was the same man who drove his car into the sea, left a girl passenger to drown in a most horrific way imaginable in the same car, and did not tell anyone about it for at least eight hours. Way to go Ted.

New blessing

More than a month ago Mrs E and I were at a financial seminar at church. The harsh facts were placed before us. Though I earn about $300 a month less than what we need to live on, we live by faith and somehow there is always enough money to go round. However, retirement is a different story. We have saved a few thousand, when most others have a million or more to retire with. So, we came to the conclusion that Mrs E could get a job, and work for a few years and we could save some money. She got some contacts from former colleagues in the insurance industry and within a few weeks she was offered a good job in a medical minsurance company here in town, with great benefits and good pay. Truly a miracle of God's provision.
For myself, I have been broken hearted this last week looking at the last years and seeing I have been living through various masks resulting from trauma and programming. Where is my real heart? I have been asking this question through many tears this last week. Mrs E thinks it's a good sign that the real me is at last coming out and will be the controller of my life, instead of the lies, deceptions, and programming that so far has been in the lead. Take me to the River, Lord, wash me in the water! Take away all vestiges of deceit and lies, let me see the Truth and let the real me, the one You lovongly created, live to the full. Amen.

Fiery Friday

Off agin to the jolly Laser Lil, the nurse who fries my flesh every 3 weeks. I have the wart that ate Chicago on the bottom of my left heel. It's been very painful and I've had various treatments, but have now settled into the Laser Frier. This machine is used after the nurse has sliced copius of amounts of skin from my heel. She then makes me wear black glasses and a mask, while she shoots a laser at the wart. This burns it and tries the kill it, thought the blighter won't die. This week, however, the laser broke down, so she said she would but a chemical agent on to try and burn it. First she used liquid nitrogen to deaden it (ha ha) and then the agent. It hurt a bit at first, then as the day went on it got worse and worse, until Friday evening it was a-g-o-n-y. A terrible throbbing pain, each throb like a hot knife being twisted in. I know men are babies, but this did really hurt. I iced it, took pain killers, but nothing worked, and for the whole weekend I had to lay around with my foot on a cushion while it throbbed unmercifully. I also had a terrible headcold and sore throat, etc. So I didn't feel on top of the world. I had to stay home from work on Monday. While I was home I decided to have as much prayer time as I could, I'm making this a priority these days. When I was praying, I was using CARE's prayer booklet (www.care1.org) and going for it. Well, I opened up several new cans of worms with new memories, feelings, and families of demons. What a time. My brain became a pack of cards that someone threw in the air, and let them fall where they fell instead of being in order. Confusion, hallucinations, and flashbacks came flooding in for ages, together with more facial pain, and headaches. In the night, really weird, vivid dreams. Whaaaaaaaa! I also woke up for two nights, knowing I had left my new book I was reading in the nurse's office, and worrying about how to get it back. This really upset me. When I went to my car today to go to work, there the book was on the front seat. I hadn't forgotten it at all. The joys of being a multiple.

Crazy Wednesday

Last Wednesday morning was one of my big annual events. The power company breakfast. They invite all maintenance heads of big consumers who have signed up to their discounr scheme and give us a slap up breakfast. The scoop is that on summer days when demand outstrips supply, we gat a phone call and have to cut our consumption to 10% of normal; in return we get a discount on our bill. The catch? Well, it's only on the hottest days this happens, when we really need our aircon and we have to switch it off. They show no mercy, if you keep the air on, you get a huge fine, it can be $400 an hour. It doesn't matter that you have 400 children in the building and their parents for a big event, all the lights have to go off except in the office. It could only happen in the USA. "Yes folks, install great air conditioning systems in your churches and schools, then on really hot days when you desparately need them, swith them off and we'll give you a discount on your bill". "Excuse me sir, isn't that the very time we need the aircon?" Who said that? Must be a foreigner.
On the way back to the office I encountered an all too familiar moronic driver, but this one was a real star. He was about 60, with pony tail, large earrings, leather jacket, the full hit. I was driving on the freeway, and he was coming on on the ramp. The road was very quiet, there was one car in front of me, and nothing behind me. All doom brain had to do was pull in behind me. I should explain that most US drivers are genetically incapable of pulling behind the car in front. This has always baffled me and has caused many dozens of near accidents in the time I've lived here. Well, this moron was abviously going to force his was between me and the car in front, even though there wasn't really enough room, instead of doing the obvious and slowing down slightly and pulling in behind me in the half mile of empty road. I let him in front of me, by slowing down, to avoid colliding with him. He then started making abscene gestures at me and slammed on his brakes, causing me to nearly crash in to him. He then left the freeway at the next ramp, a very short distance away, still screaming obscenities and making gestures. One other thing I find difficult here is why, when you are minding your own business, keeping the speed limit and staying in your lane, when the onus is on him to merge into the lane, and all he has to do is slow a couple of miles an hour and pull in behind, I'm suddenly the bad guy. The rule seems to be that whatever moronic thing the other driver is doing, speeding, shooting a red light (happens many times a day in front of me), forcing me out of the way when they should pull in behind, refusing to signal what they're doing, if I get upset, I'm suddenly the bad guy; so the rule is let the other driver do anything they want, even up to the point of risking your life, and you'll be fine. Try to keep the driving lawsa, you're in a lot of trouble. The wild west is now the highways over here.

Beautiful day

Beautiful day, I realise I work best in denial, at least I can keep working without paranoia or wanting to kill someone. Last Friday I had a prayer time with my closest friends, and opened yet another new dumping spot in my mind full of unspeakable attrocities and curses. Afterward my head and facial pain was excruciating for 3 days. The message is..."It's too hard to deal with this crap, just give up." As long as I feel like that I can function quite well, but alas, 'tis a shaky foundation of lies and deceit from Old Nick.

I'm not sure whether to keep on prayin' on the same lines, or take the coward's way out and live in denial until my next intensive sessions the second week in August.

I am also deeply saddened as I re-read, well, listen to the CDs of John Elderidge's book Wild at Heart. It's heartbreaking to hear a simple confirmation of what a wimpy feeble man specimen I've become, just as bad, or worse than anyone else. At least though I now have my great adventure, to kick every demon and satan himself from my mind and life. There is so much crud there it's more than intimidating, but at least I have my great adventure, my dragons to slay. Most men, I know, just live in tedious mediocrity, not the life on the wild frontier that they all crave.

Up up and away Krypto, as Superman says. Only, this time it's someone far more powerful than Superman. In one corner, the most splendid created being, beautiful, talented, creative, musical, deceptive. Thinks he can outsmart his opponent. In the other corner, the Anointed One, Lion of Judah, the Lamb, the crucified One. When the Lion of Judah roars, all creation and eternity shakes with fear and trepidation. None more so than the scuzzy angel of light, who is terrified and waiting in horror for his throwing into the lake of fire. Frying soon, satan, hope I get a front seat.

Spring is springing into action

Spring is in the air, birdies singing, and our Beagle is basking in the sun on the deck, leaving only to chase rabbits or squirrels, or to threaten our neighbor's black lab that he hates with a passion for some unknown reason. The duck and drake are back at our next door neighbor's swimming pool, where they tried to nest last year. An amusing fight happened between the husband and wife. the husband wanted to shoo them off or take them out, and the wife wanted to leave them alone. When and who will win this year would be a good choice for a betting syndicate.

Several things going on, I am leading worship at a week long conference this August, and trying to work on my CD. The problem is that when I sing in public I can sound pretty good and in tune, but when recording, for some reason a part come sout that is fearful and can't sing in tune. My voice sounds different as well. So I may just have to do an instrumental CD, or get some software that changes the pitch of the notes I sing to bring them back in tune. O the joys of being a multiple.

Jewishness is still growing on me, I'm completely convinced that I am actually Jewish from what God has showed me, and from family stuff. I feel more and more convinced of how far thw western church has drifted away from the Jewish roots of the faith, and is therefore floundering in many places. Who is the real Jesus? A friend in the sky who makes polite suggestions that no-one notices, who buys Lear jets and Cadillacs for TV preachers? A person who loves seeing members of one church filling their parking lot with new Lexus' and Mercedes while others a few miles away can't afford food or clothes? Has anyone, apart from me thought of buying a cheaper car, like a GM that does everything an expensive car does and giving more to missionaries and poor families instead of spending that extra $20,000 on a piece of metal? I wish I was pastor for a day and I could preach on that. I know I'd get fired but it would be fun. Anyway, I think I'll stick with Y'shua ha Meshiach, the Son of God who lived a humble life, was crucified (believed to be the most painful and most tortorous method of exection ever devised) and through that, and rising from the dead, conquered sin, death and the devil...Give me that Y'shua any day and keep the Lexus.

the real Y'shua

A glorious day here, blue sky and no clouds. How different from yesterday, when nit rained constantly. A picture perhaps of life? The sun will eventually come through, no matter how bad the storm is. Perhaps I should have been a philosopher, but I think too much. Getting along with some mind stuff, I am thinking more clearly at the moment, and gearing up for the summer, when I hope to spend a lot of time fishing and thinking, with some writing thrown in.
Just went to Wisconsin for the weekend, near the south part of Lake Superior, a beautiful wild place, but out of the way somewhat. Not sure if I could cope with driving 30 miles to get a loaf or a bottle of milk.
I'm pretty excited about exploring the Jewish heritage of Christianity, it seems to have been erased from most people's screens. When you start reading the Bible in Hebrew it really jumps out how Jewish the faith is. Of course Jesus, or Y'shua to give Him His Hebrew title, was a Jew, as was every author of every book in the Bible. But, Y'shua is universal, being Savior to the whole world. However, when you do some research on the Jewish customs, and read what the authors, and the Author said in these Bible books, it's astonishing how much we've lost by claiming Jesus as our white, middle class Savior, when He lived as a Jewish blue collar worker.

Sunny days

I have been amused at the weather. We've had a few days of cold and damp, grey days with wet snow, rain and fog. Everyone complains, but not me. I used to have that for weeks at a time in jolly old England. The sun is back out today, as it is here for at least 85% to 90% of the time. I don't think I could easily go back to the land of grey, in more ways than one.

Some exciting news, I sent a CD to a group I've been working with, they have a healing ministry and website where they sell mainly books, but some Cds. They liked it and want to sell it. So now I just have to re-record my demo in a more polished form and send it down. This is quite a booster-blesser, after years of failure and rejection. I hope I can finish it without giving up or self sabotage.

Funny old life

Funny old life, there I was at a friend of Mrs E's, the wife is in a bible study group and they were having a supper. Spouses were invited, so there I was. The husband had just been in London UK and had got some really good tea. He made a pot and served me. Nothing too unusual about that you may say - well he is a Lt Colonel in the US Marines and I'm a toilet cleaner, Funny old life.

More stuff

Still plodding on with my stuff. After Michigan, I felt a real sense of moving on and getting somewhere. Some of the new memories that came up were so horrific I can't bear to think of them much. Since I came back, I've had a couple of occasions when I've been awoken in the night, being tortured and abused, screaming out for mercy and being traumatised in the most horrific way. I have then been disturbed for a few days, and extremely desynchronised in my thinking. This has also made me feel distant from reality. The first time, Mrs E and I were able to pray and use the techniques we learned in Michigan and resolve one part that was traumatised and looking for an out. I haven't had time to pray through this one from last night yet but he was being bound in a shroud and couldn't escape. I've learned from Michigan that I can help these parts myself, by talking to them as an older brother, and pointing out the lies of the false Jesus' that tell them he will take the pain away only to re-introduce the same pain afterwards. I also learned a technique of taking off any false representation that demons and even parts put on. This has been an invaluable tool in sorting through the confusing mazes and alleyways of my tortured system. At last, when I see something that seems to be Jesus or a demon, I can "unmask" it and see what it really is, then deal with it. I hope I can do this later with my latest escapade.
I do feel really sad about the state of my life, in the sense of the fact I have to spend so much of my time praying just to survive the days and nights, instead of enjoying life to the full. One day I will enjoy seeing Satan and his scumbags roasting in the lake of fire. My ambition is to have a front seat.

Back from Intensive Week

Just back from Michigan after a week of intensive prayer and therapy. Jesus showed up and did many great things for me. I was pleased to see many strongholds falling, and victories gained. I also got great insight into many aspects of my condition, and began to realize that many things I thought were very bad were actually quite good. I was always praying against pain and other symptoms. My prayer partner said things on the line of, "Why is that pain there and what is it saying to you?" This was a shock at first, but we found by following the pain we often found the reason why the pain was there and we coulkd deal with it. I didn't get evrything resolved, but many victories happened, and I was witness to many satanic forces either being routed or being in disarray. This was a great feeling. I'm hoping for many more victories in the future and complete release from all my mental and physical problems.