What's it like?

I often struggle to explain my conjulglerated multipropositional multiplicity to others. I did have a revelation over the weekend; it's like playing a game every day that's deadly serious. Make a mistake and you could hurt yourself or others, or even die by an accident because you're not in what you are doing, or commit suicide. The only problem is that the game rules keep changing constantly, and you don't know what they are. Also you have a sinking feeling that you can never win anyway. Whatever strategy you used even yesterday now doesn't work. You are continually harrassed by demonic beings, who cajole, threaten, or try to befriend you and lead you astray. You are never quite sure who you are, or who it is that is "presenting" to the outside world. You are fearful of switching, getting amnesic, or otherwise doing something that will get you fired. Whatever you do, you are not sure what your motive is, is it kindness, or a desire for people to love you? The two main strategies are denial, just push everything down and get through the day, or asking the Lord to take control of your day and control what switches go on, and what you present. I'm not sure which I do best. I do have occasions, though, when I feel I'm being myself, and God is leading me. I wish I could be like that all the time.