Friday, April 29, 2005

Amazing session

This session, I was straight back into some pretty sick abuse memories, where I was being choked. After Jesus came into the memories and intervened, He took me to a beautiful field of flowers, and walked with me through he field. He told me I would soon be well and would be able to stay in the meadow of flowers with Him. This was amazing enough, but the other thing was that I could vividly smell the flowers. I had to stop the session a few times and sniff around the room, looking for the smell. The smell was strong, but not overpowering. It was unlike any other flower smell I’ve ever smelled, just beautiful…. The smell stayed with me for some time, and the blessing even longer.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Keep Going

Another day, last few days I’ve been wondering who was in the driving seat. I could hear the voice talking from my head but it didn’t sound like me. I wonder who it was. As the parts are there to protect me, I must have felt under threat in some way. Why? Who knows, or even cares? I was helping someone the other day in a session, and they showed an angry alter personality, I wasn’t sure if it was a demon or an alter. Their life is a bit of a mess and they’re much younger than me. I am sure I’ve been through much more trauma than them but I’ve functioned for 50 years or so. I’m convinced that’s what is important for me right now, the be able to function. At least I can hold down a job. If my superiors found out the truth about me, would they fire me? I wouldn’t be surprised. I am a little afraid of an alter coming out and either doing something crazy, or saying something awful and getting me fired. Some people here were saying the other day how awful I was sounding, but that was in the middle of a time when the real ‘I’ wasn’t in the driving seat. Well, the Lord knows and I know He’ll protect me. I’m so grateful for the job and all it brings me. The truth though is that the Lord is my only hope and supplier, He has allowed me to keep the job He has given me for the moment. I’m making the most of it. I lost count of the number of times when I was a police officer I met with people whose lives had just been irrevocably changed by something out of their control. That’s the way I feel most of the time.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Back to Work

Weekend’s over and back to the inevitable work. Busy weekend, bought the tiles for the bathroom I’m renovating, even though we bought cheap tiles….$650….gasp shock. We took over 3 hours to decide, and find all we wanted, rummaging through all the shelves of the Home Depot. Felt really triggered by so many decisions just to tile a small bathroom. Such is life. We’ve booked into a conference called Thrive that’s the first week in August, especially for people like me, DID, abused etc. I’m quite excited to get a full week of therapy type stuff. The conference is in a hotel so I hope the amenities are nice.
I haven’t been sleeping very well for some time, it wears me down and sometimes I feel despondent early in the morning. I’m not sure if it’s part of me that’s restless and waking me, or some demonic scum thing. I can’t function very well on 4 to 5 hours sleep a night, and tend to collapse at the weekends, which is not good as I have my projects to do in the house and enjoy time together with my beloved Mrs E. Sometimes I wonder if my journey will ever end, it often feels like you’re making good progress, only to crash and burn very easily. Good job I have God on my side, therefore everyone who has tried to harm me is a loser. It’s in the Bible. Raaaah.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Days of Confusion

Several days of confusion really. Got mixed up over what day it is a few times, haven’t been sleeping. Easily slipping into discouragement and self loathing. Was praying for someone last night who got a lot of healing but couldn’t help feeling I had worse problems than him and was taking mine home. Also feeling paralyzed in talking about my feelings to Mrs E, which is even worse. The usual thing happens, I withdraw but I don’t mean it. I hope I don’t hurt her too much. I’m always amazed she loves me so much. Part of me thinks that if she had any sense she’d be off, but she’s a sticker, God bless her. I don’t know what I’d do, or where I’d be without her. Some other friends are also important, the ones in our help group. We meet again on Sunday afternoon and that will be good. I’ve also noticed some symptoms returning, people looking smaller or bigger then they really are. My speech is cluttered and tumbled as well. Well, one day it will all be over.

Friday, April 08, 2005

La Weekend

Well, the weekend approacheth again. I'll be back to the bathroom project, and life goes on. We heard a close family member may have cancer yesterday and Mrs E was (understandably) very upset. Life is like that, isn't it? One phone call, doctor's visit or the like can change life forever. I remember my first marriage, I was in bed one morning and the phone rang early, it was my best friend's wife telling me my wife and her husband were romantically involved. Of course the situation was there a while, I just didn't know about it. Life changes immediately and can't be reversed. Such is the life of the likes of me very often. Some new abuse memory comes up, or some new feeling. Or perhaps an old one you thought you'd dealt with comes back when you wish it woudn't. I'm feeling quite optomistic at the moment, even though I had a few nosedives last weekend. I realised that some parts of me want to withdraw, but don't really mean it, and get really hurt when my doing that hurts Mrs E. They are all screaming "We didn't mean it!" I did try and explain this to Mrs E and we had a really good talk, and felt bonded afterwards. How true it is that anything that seems "bad" in our lives can be used for good.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Days go on

Again, a weekend of some triggers, I really wish I could rise above these things and live a victorious life. Satan is always lurking at the door for me, feeding lies and deceit and death. Had a great time on Friday evening at the Messianic Fellowship, and was prayed for POW!!! Went down like a sack of potatoes; first time that’s happened for years. Was quite down though over the weekend, just wish that there’d be a health breakthrough for both me and Mrs E, who suffers terribly. Nice to be prayed for though, several people have prayed for us this weekend and that feels good. Still believing that lies will be displaced and truth restored. “He restores my soul.”