Back again

Made it back after a long absence. Just the usual; sleeplessness, fear, foreboding, feeling overwhelmed, two weeks off sick, increase of meds, then stepping down from my pressure job and "downshifting" to part time, 3 days a week. Lost over 50% in pay, but feeling a lot better. Got some good fishing time in, and doing some real prayer warfare after really intense and serious attacks, mainly on Mrs E. The theme was, "If we can't get you we'll get her." Nuts; I am standing in the gap for my beloved spouse, and my children. As the British Guards regiment say, "They shall not pass, never let it be said that the Guards gave an inch." Great motto for us wounded ones. As Ephesians says, sometimes we just have to stand, and not back down.

Strange things afoot

Strange things are afoot, as Bill and Ted said. Yesterday I felt really blessed and happy to be alive. So what? you may ask. Well, this is the first time I've felt like this that I remember since I started on my long journey to healing, about 15 years ago. Today I am pretty hyper, not sure if that's good or bad. My recent vacation cruise was a real pick-me-up and I'm very grateful to the Lord for giving us the finances to do it. Mrs E and I are really blessed to give away a chunk of our income every month, we don't spend much on ourselves; but we splashed out on the cruise, and it was worth every penny. Thank you Norwegian Cruise Lines.
I'm feeling that my therapist was right, there has been a major shift in my "system" and the powers of darkness are in reteat and disarray. I hope and pray I can press on until that day when I see Yeshua haMaschiach face to face, and He can say "Well done" to me. What a great day that will be.

Missing Messiah

Just back from a week's vacation, where I hoped to spend lots of time with the Lord. But, as things would have it, I didn't have much time to spare as we cruised the Caribbean. I did realize though that I seriously missed having time with the Lord, and missed worship and prayer times. This week is Pesach and I haven't had time to do anything about it, which is really sad. Internally I'm feeling quite blessed and rested. Vacation is good for the soul it seems, and my parts, who seem to have had a holiday as well. I am feeling stronger in many areas, especially public speaking. I was teaching last night, and didn't feel too nervous. Even though I couldn't say every word I wanted too it was a vast improvement on my last effort. I feel convinced that I need to exercise this gift more and more. Also, the worship band I'm in was really rocking the house down as well.

Recent stuff....

I was doing so well, but....perhaps too well. After my last sessions extravaganza I was feeling a lot better, but something happened about a week ago, not sure what, that tilted my whole system and produced a meltdown, but I seem to have rebooted today. Yesterday was the worst, when I woke up I didn't know who I was, where I was, what day it was, or anything. The day was really difficult, I was very de-personalized and definitely not in charge of my mind and body. Worst thing was, I was preparing a teaching I had to do for a group I help lead and, well, what a trauma. As it turned out, someone else had prepared a teaching and they did theirs, so it was fine. I only had to stumble through a few songs after all in front of the big group of people. I did sleep better last night, and woke up with a song in my heart this morning.
Still not sure what programming is still active, I notice sometimes I do hand signals when I feel threatened and am trying to stop doing so. One thing after another. Then there's my balooning weight, comfort eating, more battles to come.

The Kingdom advances

No matter what we see or don't see, God's Kingdom advances. I have been so aware that the only was satan advances is by lies and intimidation. Once you understand that, many battles are won. I have been reading a lot in 2 Kings 18, where we see Jerusalem surrounded by heathen, threatening death and violence. The Jews turn to God, and God kills 185,000 of the Assyrian soldiers in one night. The enemy was routed. The king returned home and was assassinated. The message - don't mess with the Almighty. Don't insult Him or His chosen ones. If you do, you will die in this world or the next. Is God nice? Yes and no. To people in any situation which can be redeemed and used for good, He is merciful and compassionate. To those who reject Him, in the words of the song, "Whatcha gonna do when He comes for you?" Scream in terror of course, but it will be too late.

Crazy Ivan

I remember in Hunt for Red October, that marvelous Tom Clancy yarn, the scene when the Americans are chasing the Soviet sub. Suddenly, the sub careers off to one side. Jonesy, the sonar geek shouts, "He's done a Crazy Ivan". "Crazy Ivan?" Jack Ryan, CIA bookworm turned operative asks. "It's what Russian sub captains do periodically," Jonesy explains. "They may not be sure no-one is following them, so they veer to one side or another and listen for other subs." Or words to that effect, not an exact quote. (Don't sue me Tom, I love your books). Life has just taken yet another Crazy Ivan for me after my latest escapade in my internal world of dungeons and demons. More memories, even more foul than the last, torture, pain......how much more is there? Praying was like dancing in wet cement.
Now I'm noticing....people's gestures and the like, as it was pointed out to me by my prayer therapist....when I was under pressure, I was making certain unnatural gestures and hand movements. Aaaaaargh. Gimme a break will ya? So, now I watch myself all the time....and others. Is anyone else affected? I now can see some common gestures in others. No, another age of innocence lost for ever!
Life again as we know it has changed, a Crazy Ivan has happened in my mind and I've jogged to a new course. Open bow doors, and missile tubes, it looks like we're fighting the forces of darkness to the death again. How wonderful to be on the winning side.

More stuff

When will the stuff end? Never I suppose. Many battles happened in the last week of prayer therapy/warfare. Terrible to see the depravity and evil of my torturers, but wonderful to see the power of God to confound it all. One amazing thing was in one session, my therapist said something like she was sure Yeshua (Jesus) was furious and upset about what had happened to me, the poor Jewish boy so terribly abused. Just after, I was overwhelmed by a mixture of sorrow and white hot rage so powerful I thought I was going to fall off the chair. I realized at once that I had received a glimpse of the heart of God for a moment. I would hate to be on the receiving end of that fury. Some sadly will be, but others will escape God's wrath by allowing Yeshua to take it in their place. I've since been praying for any of my tormentors who are still alive to repent and receive God's forgiveness.
Other stuff was so weird it was sick, with mind control and sick rituals. The effect of some of these things is still with me, but the therapist has shown me the tools I need to allow God to break down my old patterns of behavior and defeat. Bring it on.

New adventure

Next week, a new adventure, off for a week of intensive prayer with my friends. Hope and pray that the Lord will do great things for Mrs E and I. I'm always aware of the demonic, especially in the past, but in recent months I've been less and less aware of the dark side and more and more aware of the Lord's side. His goodness, power, and mercy. The Rock still stands firm.

Bye bye MIss American Pie

Drove my Chevvy, well, er Mitsubishi to work. Through the frozen tundra in -25 wind chill, what a thrill. I am a poet and don't know it. Nice to be flippant at times, hard to be with people who take themselves too seriously. Bumpy weeks now smoothing out a little, Mrs E seems to be happier with me. I now have a machine to help me sleep. It pumps compressed air through a mask on my face to stop me snoring and actually get air into my lings for a change. The theory is that I will wake feeling refreshed in the morning instead of wanting, and being able, to sleep for another 4 hours. That would be nice. Cold weather has arrived, later than usual, thanks Alberta for the cool air, bet you don't miss it.
Looking forward to my next week of in patient therapy coming up in a couple of weeks. Watch out satan, the King is about.

Up and running

I've sorted out the link now so my blog is back on line. To those one or two who read it, thank you. It's good for me to write down, journal style, my struggles and triumphs. They say confession is good for the soul. Maybe I'll write a book someday, if only I had time.

Here again

Here again, still struggling over many issues. Worst of all, many things I don't notice, and upset Mrs E terribly and drive her away from me. She mostly at her wit's end and endures more than anyone should have to endure. Well, another week of in-patient counseling in a few weeks, we'll see what comes up. It's only been a year since I started finding out the depravity of the torture, abuse and programming inflicted on me and it's certainly changed my like, and Mrs E's. I am now also cautioned against watching certain movies I've enjoyed in the past, as they will trigger my programming. World gets smaller, but the opportunities get bigger to break out. I started painting a couple of weeks ago and really enjoyed it, landscapes and angels, looks like a 3 year old painted it. I wonder what that part's name is?

Still here (I think)

I think I am still here; or part of me is anyway. Had a really funny experience last week. I haven't been sleeping well for years, so eventually Mrs E and the doctor convinced me to go for a sleep test. This is truly a surreal experience. They wire you up with all kinds of electrodes and stuff, so you look like an alien from Doctor Who or some cheap 60's sci-fi film. You then sleep in a dark room and they monitor you all night. Well, I stayed awake a while after I went to bed, then dozed off. I awoke, I thought about an hour later, and needed the bathroom. I called the nurse, and she said that was okay, as it was time to go home anyway, I'd slept the full night. Would you believe it? The first night I sleep through for I don't know how long, I'm at the Sleep Center.
I think I'm still heartbroken about life in general, how I've upset and alienated Mrs E and other friends etc. My personality disorders know no bounds and don't make any friends. One day, I hope, all this will be cleared up and I will see clearly, not through a glass dimly, but clearly I pray.

After all

Christmas is over (again) and the new year upon us. My posts have been interrupted; I have been really sick with a terrible cold and cough for over 3 weeks. Also, my mental state has been parlous; unsettled and de-personalized. Who am I? takes on a whole new meaning many times. I was able, with Mrs E, to host a good friend from difficult circumstances for the Christmas week. It felt good to lavish love on someone who can't repay. Reminds me of what we should really be doing in the Kingdom of God. Because of my terrible cold and moods to match, things have been hard on Mrs E, and I am so sorry for what she has to go through all the time. I hope she can forgive me. On the bright side, I received some great gifts, a shofar, and a moving wall picture of a beach. I also added up my gift cards and was able to buy a 5.1 sound system for my TV. This is a real boy/girl issue. I want one and Mrs E isn't convinced. Oh well, what's a guy to do?
Back to work today, 50-odd e mails, and lots of paperwork to catch up on, but that's the way it is. Next big event is another week's intensive prayer in February. Hope I improve in my personal life and relationships......I am looking forward though to ..... painting, Mrs E bought me an artist's box filled with pencils, oil paints, water paints, and more. Can't wait to get going.