Monday, November 28, 2005

The Stuff

Still feeling pretty bouncy overall, the happy pills seem to be working. Had a good chat to all three of my children on the phone this weekend and that was nice. I was also blessed last Wednesday when I had a colonoscopy believe it or not. They found a polyp a couple of months ago in a routine exam and it was pre-cancerous, so I had to have the full hit and check the whole intestine. The doctor said I was healthy through the whole colon, which was a blessing. They said having found the pre cancerous polyp, there was a one in three chance they'd find more stuff, but I was clear. Thank you Yeshua.
It was Thanksgiving last Thursday and I made the usual pilgrimage to Mrs E's family, the day was lightened by watching Christmas with the Kranks, and a lively conversation with Mrs E's nephew, who's home from the Marines. It was good to get first hand account opf what's really going on in Iraq and Washington DC. Looking forward to Christmas, Mrs E the super shopper has already bought my gift, and me being the typical man, haven't even started looking yet.
See ya soon.

Friday, November 11, 2005

Weak-end

The weekend is here, or the weak-end? I've decided to go to Michigan for some intense prayer/therapy, early next year. I decided last night after Mrs E and I talked for some time and I was able to be honest about the way I really felt. This is easier said than done, as I am always afraid of being honest. If anyone really knew the way I was thinking I often wonder what they would do. If my boss tells me off I feel hated, if someone drives in front of me I imagine roasting them alive slowly on a spit. I imagine going round with a machine gun and getting vengance on some people, etc. etc. I am also interested what mechanism stops me from actually doing this. I have learned that what my mind says and what I actually do or say are mostly completely different. Sometimes I'm aware of not being in control, there's someone else in the driving seat and I'm a weird spectator looking from the back of my head. Occasionally though I am aware of a link between the mind and what I'm actually doing, and that feels really strange, but good. How odd it must be to be like that all the time, well er, normal.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Progressive Mind

Progressing on my happy pills, I've been on them for a few weeks now. Apart from not sleeping very well, I've been feeling better. No black moods, no instant upsets when someone (often Mrs E) says something completely innocent that I am sure proves she hates me. I was even at my shrink's and he couldn't get me to feel upset. He's expert at that, so this was quite an achievement. The head doctor has changed my meds as my insurance won't pay for the first one he tried, but now I am to start taking some stuff especially for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. What will they think of next? I've had a couple of times with my good friend M recently, who has had a similar difficult background to me. He got a great healing the other week at a conference in a local church. I am really jealous. He did invite me to go but I was busy at home putting in a new back door so I didn't go. He brought me the DVD and the message was right on for me, shame I wasn't there. Oh well. It's amazing what God can do. Some things seem to come slowly, through our own perseverance and spiritual attack on the forces of darkness, and some come from grace. If only I could always tell which was which and at what time.

Friday, November 04, 2005

Still dozing, still dreaming

I've actually slept the past two nights, rather than being awake most of the time. I even found it hard to wake up in the morning, instead of lying there for hours, watching the clock slowly crawling round towards 6-15am. My dreams have been happier though for a while, it is amazing what a difference medication makes. I was reading in a book recently that young age trauma can change brain chemistry so that we can't cope with life as easily, and this has been true for me. I am thinking more clearly, though I still feel anxiety most days, I don't fall into the black hole of despair like I did. Some things I've done recently had been on my "impossible" list for years, and I was able to do them. Hurrah. I was able to go to our local canoe area wilderness, paddle a canoe and not drown, avoid the bears, and catch fish to eat. I was able to keep up with my friend an paddling and not wimp out. I was also able to perform two songs before an influential audience and carry it off, despite being nervous. Paradoxically, even though I thought I had been doing well on phone calls, recently many have been a disaster, I was so triggered for no obvious reason I could hardly get any words out. Oh well, who knows the answer to all these things? Only God Himself. If He doesn't show me that's fine with me. As I said to the head doctor recently, I'm quite functional, even with my paralysing fear episodes.