European time off needed

Another mixed week, some up, some down. No therapy for a few weeks because of appointment fill-ups but I’m in next week. Mrs E’s birthday today so we are going out to eat tonight. Last night was my men’s purity group, where I was really triggered by some attitudes. One man was lecturing a younger man on how to keep his wife at arm’s bay when he’s choosing which clothes to wear. This was sad because the man doing the lecturing is in crisis in his marriage and I didn’t think he was in any position to tell anyone that kind of thing. Also I was so fed up this morning I seriously nearly walked out from my job – so did my assistant, so maybe I wasn’t so abnormally triggered? There is a wedding scheduled on Saturday, and we had to set up hundreds of chairs, and dozens of tables on Thursday to make sure we had them all done for the decorators to come in first thing Friday morning. The snag was the men were holding a breakfast in the same room early Friday morning. Solution? The men just use some tables and chairs from the wedding set-up. What happened? When I came in this morning (Friday) the men had rearranged a large part of the room for their breakfast meeting, and left tables and chairs stacked at the side of the room. I knew it would be at least an hour’s work to reset everything. I was just at the point of walking out, but instead I went out and mowed the grass, hoping to calm down. My wonderful assistant put the chairs and tables back as the decorators were arriving. I feel I may look for another job. What keeps me here? The pay isn’t super but we manage. The insurance cover is good. The vacation is crap, but next year, after 5 years service, I go the 3 weeks (wow). I can hardly wait. If I started another job I would probably go the standard vacation package of 1 week – brutal. This is one time I wish some European practices would apply here, including decent time off. One thing keeps me here, it's a "God job." He got me the job and keeps me here. There ain't no safer place to be brother.

Rainy day dream away

I was praying the other night before sleep and thinking about the sad ‘old’ part with all my pain and emotion. I was asking that the emotion could come out somehow. In the night I had a vivid dream that I was weeping everything out. I woke up and I was still weeping. It felt cathartic and good. I hope that this is a true picture. How wonderful it would be to be able to find all the pain and release it. Had a turgid time yesterday when I tried to make a few ‘cold’ phone calls, I definitely switch or something and just feel in a total panic, and can’t speak, often for several seconds. Then, there is a job in work I’m supposed to do which is technically almost impossible. There are light fittings we need to repair, and many of them are over a balcony, so you can’t use the standard telescoping platform to reach them. The powers that be wouldn’t pay someone else to come in and do it, so it’s little ol’ me of course. I’m getting too old to be swinging round on platforms 40 feet high like an orangutan, or in my case a senile gorilla, and it seems so dangerous, my system is revolting. Part of me was thinking of looking for another job (again). Such is my super strong escape mode. Sometimes I go to bed early and try and sleep, there is someone young and crushed who needs comfort. I’m still looking forward to the conference in August at Thrive, where I hope to learn some new techniques to try and get more healing.
I was reading a book review today, and the author was lamenting how many Christians have problems. He was asking why we don’t just believe and embrace what Jesus did on the cross, and live happily ever after. I really wish I could do that. In my conscious mind I’ve done it many times, it’s my subconscious that trips me up, if only I could fix that I’d be fine. Perhaps he’s right, if I really believed what God says in live it, I would be fine. God will be my judge over how well I’ve done.

Going on

Still pressing on.......had a strange session this week, when I could see an abuse scenario, but with another person standing at the side watching. This person was an old looking man, a bit like Gandalf. He was watching what was going on and was taking all the pain and emotion and keeping it to himself. He wouldn't speak or anything, and wouldn't take part in any discussion. It would be nice if he held all the emotion that has so eluded me these years. How wonderful it would be if I could feel all that pain instead of hiding it somewhere. Even though I hide it, it still comes out on its own when I don't want it to. When I want to go there and try and deal with stuff, I can't find it. I hope and pray that eventually I will get through this.