Back again

Made it back after a long absence. Just the usual; sleeplessness, fear, foreboding, feeling overwhelmed, two weeks off sick, increase of meds, then stepping down from my pressure job and "downshifting" to part time, 3 days a week. Lost over 50% in pay, but feeling a lot better. Got some good fishing time in, and doing some real prayer warfare after really intense and serious attacks, mainly on Mrs E. The theme was, "If we can't get you we'll get her." Nuts; I am standing in the gap for my beloved spouse, and my children. As the British Guards regiment say, "They shall not pass, never let it be said that the Guards gave an inch." Great motto for us wounded ones. As Ephesians says, sometimes we just have to stand, and not back down.

Strange things afoot

Strange things are afoot, as Bill and Ted said. Yesterday I felt really blessed and happy to be alive. So what? you may ask. Well, this is the first time I've felt like this that I remember since I started on my long journey to healing, about 15 years ago. Today I am pretty hyper, not sure if that's good or bad. My recent vacation cruise was a real pick-me-up and I'm very grateful to the Lord for giving us the finances to do it. Mrs E and I are really blessed to give away a chunk of our income every month, we don't spend much on ourselves; but we splashed out on the cruise, and it was worth every penny. Thank you Norwegian Cruise Lines.
I'm feeling that my therapist was right, there has been a major shift in my "system" and the powers of darkness are in reteat and disarray. I hope and pray I can press on until that day when I see Yeshua haMaschiach face to face, and He can say "Well done" to me. What a great day that will be.

Missing Messiah

Just back from a week's vacation, where I hoped to spend lots of time with the Lord. But, as things would have it, I didn't have much time to spare as we cruised the Caribbean. I did realize though that I seriously missed having time with the Lord, and missed worship and prayer times. This week is Pesach and I haven't had time to do anything about it, which is really sad. Internally I'm feeling quite blessed and rested. Vacation is good for the soul it seems, and my parts, who seem to have had a holiday as well. I am feeling stronger in many areas, especially public speaking. I was teaching last night, and didn't feel too nervous. Even though I couldn't say every word I wanted too it was a vast improvement on my last effort. I feel convinced that I need to exercise this gift more and more. Also, the worship band I'm in was really rocking the house down as well.

Recent stuff....

I was doing so well, but....perhaps too well. After my last sessions extravaganza I was feeling a lot better, but something happened about a week ago, not sure what, that tilted my whole system and produced a meltdown, but I seem to have rebooted today. Yesterday was the worst, when I woke up I didn't know who I was, where I was, what day it was, or anything. The day was really difficult, I was very de-personalized and definitely not in charge of my mind and body. Worst thing was, I was preparing a teaching I had to do for a group I help lead and, well, what a trauma. As it turned out, someone else had prepared a teaching and they did theirs, so it was fine. I only had to stumble through a few songs after all in front of the big group of people. I did sleep better last night, and woke up with a song in my heart this morning.
Still not sure what programming is still active, I notice sometimes I do hand signals when I feel threatened and am trying to stop doing so. One thing after another. Then there's my balooning weight, comfort eating, more battles to come.

The Kingdom advances

No matter what we see or don't see, God's Kingdom advances. I have been so aware that the only was satan advances is by lies and intimidation. Once you understand that, many battles are won. I have been reading a lot in 2 Kings 18, where we see Jerusalem surrounded by heathen, threatening death and violence. The Jews turn to God, and God kills 185,000 of the Assyrian soldiers in one night. The enemy was routed. The king returned home and was assassinated. The message - don't mess with the Almighty. Don't insult Him or His chosen ones. If you do, you will die in this world or the next. Is God nice? Yes and no. To people in any situation which can be redeemed and used for good, He is merciful and compassionate. To those who reject Him, in the words of the song, "Whatcha gonna do when He comes for you?" Scream in terror of course, but it will be too late.

Crazy Ivan

I remember in Hunt for Red October, that marvelous Tom Clancy yarn, the scene when the Americans are chasing the Soviet sub. Suddenly, the sub careers off to one side. Jonesy, the sonar geek shouts, "He's done a Crazy Ivan". "Crazy Ivan?" Jack Ryan, CIA bookworm turned operative asks. "It's what Russian sub captains do periodically," Jonesy explains. "They may not be sure no-one is following them, so they veer to one side or another and listen for other subs." Or words to that effect, not an exact quote. (Don't sue me Tom, I love your books). Life has just taken yet another Crazy Ivan for me after my latest escapade in my internal world of dungeons and demons. More memories, even more foul than the last, torture, pain......how much more is there? Praying was like dancing in wet cement.
Now I'm noticing....people's gestures and the like, as it was pointed out to me by my prayer therapist....when I was under pressure, I was making certain unnatural gestures and hand movements. Aaaaaargh. Gimme a break will ya? So, now I watch myself all the time....and others. Is anyone else affected? I now can see some common gestures in others. No, another age of innocence lost for ever!
Life again as we know it has changed, a Crazy Ivan has happened in my mind and I've jogged to a new course. Open bow doors, and missile tubes, it looks like we're fighting the forces of darkness to the death again. How wonderful to be on the winning side.

More stuff

When will the stuff end? Never I suppose. Many battles happened in the last week of prayer therapy/warfare. Terrible to see the depravity and evil of my torturers, but wonderful to see the power of God to confound it all. One amazing thing was in one session, my therapist said something like she was sure Yeshua (Jesus) was furious and upset about what had happened to me, the poor Jewish boy so terribly abused. Just after, I was overwhelmed by a mixture of sorrow and white hot rage so powerful I thought I was going to fall off the chair. I realized at once that I had received a glimpse of the heart of God for a moment. I would hate to be on the receiving end of that fury. Some sadly will be, but others will escape God's wrath by allowing Yeshua to take it in their place. I've since been praying for any of my tormentors who are still alive to repent and receive God's forgiveness.
Other stuff was so weird it was sick, with mind control and sick rituals. The effect of some of these things is still with me, but the therapist has shown me the tools I need to allow God to break down my old patterns of behavior and defeat. Bring it on.