Happy Christmas

Haven’t been sleeping very well for a while, but last night actually slept most of the night. I’d been playing all evening with my new car racing set I got for Christmas, a British Scalextric one no less. A friend came around and we had a Christmas beer (didn’t know there was any such thing) while we raced cars and watched the Eagles live in Melbourne DVD. Then, Tommy Emmanuel live. Bliss. When bedtime came I was exhausted and crashed. Woke up at 9.20am hurrah! I was working a late shift to cover an evening event. I hoped to get something done in the morning, but we had a lot of snow in the night. I had to dig my driveway out before going to work.
I noticed last night that when I was racing I had very negative feelings. I gave my friend the fastest car, out of courtesy and he often beat me. However, the voices were telling me that I was no good at anything and I couldn’t even win a slot car race. How strange that these things are so ingrained in me. I didn’t allow this to become a trigger. My friend offered to change cars later on, and when we did I beat the pants off him. I of course realized that the other car was so much faster than the other and had a shorter wheelbase and cornered better.
My dreams have been strange for several nights. I’ve been doing something very embarrassing in public but have been unable to stop myself, like going to the toilet. It’s always something shameful. The second theme is hopelessness or powerlessness. There’s something I don’t do well I should be able to do, but I always fail miserably. Seems to be a theme.
I’m looking forward to my intensive therapy in January, hoping to give the false Jesus the order of the boot. He bothers me a lot of the time and mocks me constantly. Your days are numbered, scumbag.
I’m also enjoying moving into the 21st century. I was given lots of gift cards for Christmas and was able to get an iPod by putting a few dollars in myself. I’m thrilled by the iPod and have just scratched the surface of it, but it’s wonderful to be able to take worship music with me as I work and get fed that way. Those who don’t know, check out Paul Wilbur’s CDs. Astounding.

Latest Stuff

What a ride recently. I started going to a play therapy group, started by one of the ladies I know with young parts, I was standoffish at first, but soon got into it and started playing. Some disturbing memories came up in the art project that I was able to deal with. Then we had great fun playing balloon football from sofa to sofa. I’ve now realized that I have unresolved parts who need to play, and once I admitted that I got a lot of freedom.
I was also excited how things are working out for my one week’s intensive prayer/therapy in Michigan. I have been given $2,400 so far which should cover the cost. Thank You Jesus.
A couple of weeks ago I bought myself a Scalextric car racing set for Christmas, which Mrs E has wrapped and will give me. Hoohah. Looks like I’ll be racing around the family room this Christmas in a Lancia rally car. I also bought myself a model airplane, a balsa one I remembered from childhood. I feel that some parts resent missing a happy childhood. I’m careful where I let this happen, but I’ve been happy to let these parts come out to play and enjoy themselves.
Once a week now I try and go for breakfast with a friend from the group who is a lot further down the road than I am and this is very helpful.
Christmas brings up many memories, some good some bad, and is a kind of bittersweet time for me. I also think of my siblings (I’m the oldest) and how they are doing. Do their memories come up by themselves? Are they in denial? Do they know where to turn to for help? Of course I can’t say anything to them in case they don’t remember, or some of my memories aren’t accurate and I say something I shouldn’t. How sad that the darkness stays around. Just what the abusers wanted, who can blame them?