Well, a long hiatus in my journal, mainly caused by busyness and despair, in equal measures. It’s been over a month now, shame on me. I was feeling pretty good for a while, even though I suspected I would get bitten in the butt quite soon, which is what happened. Some chance remarks by some people sent me into a doomed spiral. Combined with what I thought had been a good prayer session that ended badly (I was walking out the door of the doctor’s office when the demons told me I’d been fooled and started abusing me) it was a potent mix, leading to hopeless despair.
The weather here has been disgusting, 80 mph winds last week, several inches of rain etc, and many people without power, even 5 days after the storm. That is a picture to me of life at times, the sun can be shining and minutes later there’s wind, rain, thunder, lightning, and tornadoes.
It has just been my birthday, 53 no less, and it was very protracted. We had to drive 400 miles for a family funeral that was actually on the birthday, then celebrate one week later, some people couldn’t make that date, so I’ve had gifts arriving every few days. Of course it’s not bad getting gifts, but the whole process seemed drawn out and sometimes joy-less.
Anyway, my mental state has been the usual confusion, seeing people who aren’t there, seeing people different from what they are, mood swings, fear, the full hit. Add to that I had a flex sig exam last week and they found a polyp in my bowel, I can hardly wait for the results of the biopsy.
I still feel the voice of God though, at a meeting on Saturday I felt He was saying I would be a preacher, as I listened to the speaker. I was thinking, “Well if I could think straight and there was a direct link between brain and mouth, I would be able to do what he’s doing,” kind of thought. Soon after though I was severely attacked in many areas. It’s either a stronghold, or not meant to be?
I know I need to be more aggressive in spiritual warfare, but I often start from feeling defeated, instead of being on the winning side. I need to keep looking down, not up. People often say we should look up, but the book of Ephesians says we are in the heavenlies with Jesus, so the only way to look is across at Him, or downwards.
I am also aware that I can go to do something I’ve known how to do for years and then have no idea how to do it, but at the same time feeling a lot of my defenses are old habits, and I don’t have to do them. I also believe I will be free and maybe this is the last stand by a dying enemy.
Let’s hope so.
The weather here has been disgusting, 80 mph winds last week, several inches of rain etc, and many people without power, even 5 days after the storm. That is a picture to me of life at times, the sun can be shining and minutes later there’s wind, rain, thunder, lightning, and tornadoes.
It has just been my birthday, 53 no less, and it was very protracted. We had to drive 400 miles for a family funeral that was actually on the birthday, then celebrate one week later, some people couldn’t make that date, so I’ve had gifts arriving every few days. Of course it’s not bad getting gifts, but the whole process seemed drawn out and sometimes joy-less.
Anyway, my mental state has been the usual confusion, seeing people who aren’t there, seeing people different from what they are, mood swings, fear, the full hit. Add to that I had a flex sig exam last week and they found a polyp in my bowel, I can hardly wait for the results of the biopsy.
I still feel the voice of God though, at a meeting on Saturday I felt He was saying I would be a preacher, as I listened to the speaker. I was thinking, “Well if I could think straight and there was a direct link between brain and mouth, I would be able to do what he’s doing,” kind of thought. Soon after though I was severely attacked in many areas. It’s either a stronghold, or not meant to be?
I know I need to be more aggressive in spiritual warfare, but I often start from feeling defeated, instead of being on the winning side. I need to keep looking down, not up. People often say we should look up, but the book of Ephesians says we are in the heavenlies with Jesus, so the only way to look is across at Him, or downwards.
I am also aware that I can go to do something I’ve known how to do for years and then have no idea how to do it, but at the same time feeling a lot of my defenses are old habits, and I don’t have to do them. I also believe I will be free and maybe this is the last stand by a dying enemy.
Let’s hope so.
